A Baby Bug's Life

I was having "one of those days" recently.  On top of some squirrely children, and a long day I wasn't feeling particularly patient either.

By the time Jonathan got home after 6, he "dismissed" me from my nighttime duties.  Thank the Lord for the advent of the text message...he could brace himself ;)  But really it was just a challenging day, and I was ready to have a break.  In our house, in this season of life, we are working a LOT.  Because all of our children are little, we do all the heavy lifting.  So not only do we take care of the normal needs of a home that has two adults in it, we also pick up, clean, dress, and just generally serve our four children.  I say this so you won't sound shocked when I tell you what a break to me is.

Mowing our lawn.

Yes, the loud engine and the therapeutic chopping of those little blades, row by perfect row, really is a good block of time for me to decompress a bit.  I generally pray.  It's a good place to sort out some things with the Lord, nowhere to go, and all ears behind that white noise where I can say anything in privacy.  I am thankful that the Lord has been very good to meet me on our yard and speak to me on occasion a gentle conviction, or an encouraging word.

This particular day as I was minutes away from finishing the lawn, I still had not heard from the Lord.  I had spent some time praying, and then some time listening (which is equally as important...in any relationship being a good listener is an integral part of a healthy exchange), but nothing.  And then the lawn mower ran out of gas.

Not only was I so close to being done (how frustrating!), but I still had nothing from God.

I went inside dejected.  A quick acknowledgement to Jonathan at the sink, who was cleaning up the dinner aftermath, and I made a beeline to our bathroom.  In the shower, I stood staring at the bar of soap..."Nothing for me tonight, Lord?  I need you."  And then, in My Spirit it was this:

"Mowing the lawn, doing these chores, taking care of these children, this life isn't supposed to be bliss.  If it was, you wouldn't be looking forward to Me.  Your priorities are in order, when you view life as just preparation for eternity..."

Something like that.

Immediately I was thinking "Where is this in Scripture?!?!"  Surely Paul has said something about this?!  I started recalling little verses I had read, but nothing seemed to align with what I had heard just then.  I went downstairs to talk to Jonathan about my encouragement and what the Lord had given me, asking him where if he knew of Scriptural support.  It's so important that you find Scriptural support for things that the Lord gives you in times alone with Him.  Enough said there.

That night I went to bed still looking for it.  I stumbled on Romans 8:18, and found beginnings:

Two nights later my family got together.  My mother is a Bible rolodex of sorts.  She should be, she spends hours and hours and hours in Scripture every week at The Cross, so frequently if I am stuck I will poll her.  Although the only thing better than my mom is my entire family's knowledge.  That Sunday night I asked everyone...What do you guys know to support that statement?

Everyone threw out their ideas, but my mother said Hebrews chapter 11...especially the amplified translation. Most people know this section as the "Hall of faith" in the first 12 verses, we are reminded of many faithful servants of the Lord, titans of faith if you will, and here it continues:


Hebrews 11:13-16


The last verse, verse 16, "For that reason, God is not ashamed to be called their God,"  is so beautiful.  What a gorgeous picture of God's love for me right now.  Would God consider me faithful like this?  Would that context include me today?  Oh Lord, what deep encouragement for a mother who wakes up and is doing my very best to just be faithful to the calling you have given our family.  Oh thank you!  
God, GOD!!!! is not ashamed to be called my God...how very intimately humbling.  What a grand picture of His character.


Kiddos,
I've said this before, but I would be remiss not to highlight this again.  I love you so much.  You are little pieces of me, of your father, walking around, and the blessing that you are is indescribable, but that evening while mowing our lawn the God of the Universe reminded me that you are not my all in all.  You kiddos are not where my treasure is.  Perhaps I grasped that on some level.  But here the practical application is that in our hard times as your parents, in my hard times as your mother, it is a deliberate reminder that I am in search of my fatherland, heaven, to be with The Lord.  I am not supposed to be fulfilled here.  AND NEITHER WILL YOU BE.  This truth will sustain you through life.  Grab ahold of it.  You cannot rely on yourself, your happiness does not hinge on things, or people.  Your joy, your purpose, your hope is in Christ alone.  Your little souls will long for the One who made you, and long for eternity with Him.  What a beautiful lens to view life through.  Hallelujah!!!!

I love you, I love you, I love you.
xoxo- Mommy

Exhibit A

For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 

“Fear not, I am the one who helps you.”

Isaiah 41:13

On the subject of your beautiful blue eyes, I was prompted by the Holy Spirit about two weeks ago one morning.  I was trudging up the stairs, tired, and still in the first hour of our day.  Daddy was leaving the house, and you kids were full of joy (and antics!) downstairs at the table.  I could hear the madness as I went to feed Jack, and I said "Oh Lord, I am not getting through to these children."  It was a knowing prayer, sincerely at the end of my rope, which no one wants to pray as the start of their day.  Yet here I was...sigh.

And then..."Eyes"

Oh Lord, yes!  I had somehow forgotten something I had heard long ago...to get them to look into my eyes when I am redirecting and correcting.

Oh my!  The changes!  Not only has it helped me in my emotions, it has also been a reminder that no one wants to bark orders over their children's head trying to get their attention.  That simple act of gently commanding it through the eyes has been a GAME CHANGER around here.  It is loving you by giving you my eyes too.  You can see that mommy means well with what she is saying, "No, you will not stand up in this grocery cart one more time," but it also limits the amount of times I repeat myself, as well as keeping you from being embarrassed at my correction.  

I could cry it's been so meaningful to me!

You all haven't become perfect children overnight- please!  But, we are having much more expectations met, and your little hearts are being reached in a way I can see.

Vivien, you have come to me this past week on a few occasions to apologize for misbehavior and hand out a hug.  You have told me when you needed to practice self discipline, unprompted by me. Surely these aren't MY children?! My heart swells!

And Vivien, the other night in front of a big chunk of our family, you handed me our Character Building book and asked to read about patience.  I meeeeeeean.  It was like the craziest moment.  I had to joke later that we weren't doing a show for the family, but it sure looked like it! HAH! 

I recount these to tell you that there is good fruit in your lives, and the Lord is encouraging me with it all the time.  

You may think that all this talk about what I am learning has very little to do with you until you are parents, but it's not true.  It has to do with how you will hear from the Lord...on parenting, or on any other thing.  Daddy and I love God's Word.  

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

Hebrews 4:12

As you continue to learn it, to store it in your little hearts, you will have a wealth of knowledge to pull from.  The Lord will continue to teach your little teachable hearts like He does to us.  He shapes us, molds us, prunes us! He primarily instructs through the Word, little ones, and nothing you ever hear correctly will be contradictory to Scripture, but I have also had scenarios like this one below in which the Lord communicated to me a truth.  

A few days ago, one of you was having a nice little whiny fit in the car.  I couldn't get to your eyes, for obvious reasons, but I was trying to assure you that you were, in fact, quite okay and needed to practice your patience.  After many, many attempts at calm words I said firmly "That's enough, [child] no more whining!"  I felt that "Oh no!" guilt for a moment, and then an even bigger press in from the Lord "Do you remember when you lived in Los Angeles, and I kept convicting you to leave your living situation...as the Word says: to flee from sin.  Yet you did not?"  And I was flooded with this picture when I remembered how the Lord had said "Enough!" to me.  He had gently spoken to me my direction to go, many times, yet I had not trusted and relented to obey.  Therefore, "Enough!" became the order of that day, and I will not bore you with the details, but it got my attention.  I knew I was being disciplined.  

"And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.”

Hebrews 12:5-6

"For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."

Hebrews 12:11

The Bible says much about the Lord's feelings on discipline...and all of it is good.  I am trusting Him.  I am trusting Him in parenting you all, with your very lives, and with mine.

Yes, I am humbled at what He has done. Great is His faithfulness!!!!


23 

 I can see this promise in my life as the Lord continues to teach me even if it is sometimes through thumb sucking. Mommy is humbly taught, and will continue to be!  Hallelujah! ;)

I will keep trying hard not to wish these days away...you three are so precious to me.  Oh my goodness.  When you aren't squabbling, you are laughing and cheering each other on.  Just this morning I overheard you all PRAYING together in your playhouse. Blessed. My. Heart!!!!!

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

2 Corinthians 12:9

"Shall I bring to the point of birth and not cause to bring forth?” says the LORD; “shall I, who cause to bring forth, shut the womb?” says your God.  -Isaiah 66:9

The first week of April, I started feeling the pangs of early labor.  It was two seperate nights, and I didn't get my hopes up.  If anything, I figured I would go to my estimated due date: April 16th.

Both times labor started and stopped.  I think it's called prodromal labor, and I was in it.  April 14th rolled around and it had become sort of funny that I was still pregnant.  All the sayings about third pregnancies coming earlier and not a one of them true.  I went in that Monday morning to meet with my midwife and have an ultrasound.  I had been measuring big most of my pregnancy, so either my dates were wrong, or I was having a big baby.

Monday morning, after my ultrasound, the tech announced that her measurements predicted an 11lb 1oz baby!!!!!! Jonathan and she talked about head circumference briefly and we headed to another room to meet with my midwife.  

Ronda was super positive.  She asked me my feelings on the estimated weight, asked me what my ideal labor situation looked like, and we talked over the margin of error on the ultrasound.  Jonathan and I decided that we would give natural labor a try and see, and before I left, I happily consented to a membrane sweep.  We did talk about the possibility of a cesarean, should he have problems descending, even in natural labor, and I felt like I was in great hands should that happen.

Within an hour I was crampy and feeling "those pangs".  Jonathan's employers threw us a shower directly after our appointment, and I welcomed the distraction.  I tried, successfully, not to get my hopes up...this labor thing can really drag on, and I was alert to how I had embraced patience, thanking The Lord for the work He was doing in my heart as I prayed for more.  Don't get me wrong, I was excited about meeting Jack, but to me, one day or one week wasn't making a huge difference.  He would come when he was ready, and when The Lord called Him forth.  No one knows why a baby comes?  I do.  Because The Lord says "now." that's why.

That evening labor picked up and we spent about four hours in a contraction pattern.  I knew I was in early labor, but because we had talked about how big Jack was, and the possibility of a fast progression for me based on my birth history, I was starting to feel uneasy about entering active labor away from a hospital.

We decided to go in.  I could relax knowing that someone was nearby should anything go wrong or go quick, and I knew there was a possibility they would send me home, but Jonathan and I opted to risk it.

In triage, I met the nasty nurse that I hadn't seen since Vivien's birth.  I couldn't believe it.  She literally said to me "Well, what brings you here?"  TO MATERNITY ASSESSMENT.  The plaque on your door says Maternity Assessment.  That's why I am here.  Uuuuuuggggghhhhh.  She made me cry the first time I met her, and low and behold, she had me crying again at the end of this visit!!!!!!  She and one of my doctors both were given my explanation:  That I was uncomfortable progressing at home and would rather be at the hospital.  Didn't matter.  They asked me to go home (I was only 2cm), that my labor was probably false (THE NERVE!!!!), and would I take some drugs that night to calm down (Ummmm, no.) 

We went home around 1am.  Jonathan got some sleep (he was going to be getting up with the kiddos) and I tried to rest intermittenly as I labored.  I cried on and off and spent the wee hours of that morning with The Lord.  "Why was I feeling fearful now?!"  The staff I had seen that night were so negative.  Discouraging.  I cried out to the Lord to speak to me in the midst of all of the reports I had received that day.  "Big baby", "Not in real labor", these things had me off kilter and I was losing my peace to just wait expectantly.  Through my tears, and through my broken prayers, I heard the Holy Spirit prompt me this: "Shall I bring to the point of birth and not deliver?"  I had no idea where I had read that, but I looked it up and took comfort in reading the verse in its entirety.  Earlier that evening as I had labored in my living room, I saw the tail end of the 1 Corinthians 15:58 verse on our wall jump out at me "...your labor is not in vain." Although out of context, those two things that evening gave me supernatural strength.

After a long few hours, I felt emotionally and spiritually resolute.  And I finally was able to physically relax after I took two tylenol and a bath somewhere around 6:30am.

I woke up, went to the bathroom and said goodbye to my plug (in one piece), knowing that I was definitely progressing (take that, you jerk nurse!), ate some breakfast, and napped on and off for the day spending time with my family as I could.  It was such a nice day.  My mom came over that afternoon and we talked a bit about relationship with The Lord.  Funny enough, the first real thing I ever asked her about The Lord was how to love Him.  As a new adult Christian, I couldn't understand that idea, but I wanted to.  To me, He wasn't tangible, so how could I be in relationship with Him.  Here she and I were years later talking about relationship versus "Why?"

She mentioned noticing how often people go there first: "Why, Lord?"  they need or want an explanation for whatever is occurring.  I immediately could relate that to my toddlers.  They want the answer to "Why?" all the time.  The truth is, that is a rudimentary approach.  We talked over the importance of just walking through things with The Lord just because you are delighting in the relationship with Him.  This put a label on what I had been experiencing the week (and especially day) before, and I was anxious to be able to nail down the concept.  I was enjoying just walking through it with Him.  It was much better than any "Why?" answer ever would have been.

Feeling refreshed, I had a quick conversation with my midwives that evening, who wanted to see me in the morning to reevaluate.

Wednesday morning I was 5cm, and on the precipice of active labor.  I could feel that portion of labor trying to set in before we left for my very early appointment, but I knew changing locations would probably hold it all at bay...which it did...so, I wasn't surprised to hear I was that progressed.

She wished me luck and sent me over to check in at Kennestone. Everything was different this time.  We were "in the flow", which was obvious by our amazing nurse and on call staff.  Kristin asked me from the get go if I would like to labor in my clothes and just let her check baby's heartbeat every once in a while.  YES.  We chit chatted a bit and I found out she was a twin herself and from a large family.  We all got along very well!  It took me a couple of hours, but active labor set in and I began using my Bradley Method relaxation techniques in the hospital bed.  Moving around was soooo uncomfortable once I hit that active labor phase, so Jonathan sat next to me and read over 20 chapters from the Psalms.  It is one of the most memorable things we have ever done together, and it will be recorded as one of the most peaceful and empowering moments in our lives.

My last labor saw a moderate to fast time in active labor, so I wasn't sure what to expect.  My water hadn't broken and we were all looking for that to happen naturally, hoping that would be a great sign on Jack's progress down through my pelvis.

I was studied on positions for helping a big baby move through the pelvis.  We were ready to implement whatever we could, and my midwife gave me all the space I needed.  The staff ran a bath for me at the hospital when I was still in active labor.  It was only midafternoon, I had been there for about four hours, and I was feeling the need to start moving again.  My body was done relaxing through contractions.  Now I felt the need to start undressing, feeling lots of pressure below, and I wanted to labor on my side with my pelvis more "open" ;)

I did that until it was no longer comfortable, moving to an elevated all fours position, where I could rock my pelvis to help the head descend.  I had so much pressure below, but not pushing pressure.  It was almost a fake "I need to push" pressure. My water broke on its own.

I moved to transition, starting to feel the contractions on top of one another, but my cervix wasn't dilating on the natural progression scale anymore.  The doctor on call and my midwife had come in early afternoon to talk to me about what it would look like if they were concerned that Jack was too big, but I was surprised when it all started happening.  I labored in transition like state for over an hour, immense, immense pain, but it felt wrong.  I started feeling my focus drop with every compounding contraction that didn't result in his head moving.  I had been -1 station for hours.  He wasn't moving down.  I was opening up, but it didn't matter.

Patti, my midwife, is like crazy hippie crunchy.  She would have caught that baby if I was standing on top of the bed.  She even was guiding my movements at the end, hoping to help get him out!  She was way supportive of what we were trying to acheive, so when I saw her face saying "He's not going to come this way."  I trusted her 100%.  

At that point I was angry to be contracting.  I knew the "anger during transition" feeling, I had it with the twins and I will never forget it.  Hah!  Once we decided no more laboring, I was desperate in my mind to turn off these meaningless contractions.  For me, labroing is doable because it's so purposeful.  Without purpose, I was BEYOND over it!!!!!  Something in me said to turn head down into the fold of the hospital bed with my behind up, anything to take the pressure that was raging against my uncooperative body every single contraction.   

All of the sudden I was taking off all the metal on my body.  Earrings, rings, my coobie has a bit of metal- it all had to come off, immediately.  My eyes were closed, trying to suffer through the insanely strong contractions that were unbearable.  In that position, there was a small ounce of relief, and I took it, even as I knew I looked insane being wheeled down the hall for an emergency C.  I never opened my eyes once.   I just listened to everyone's voices, their thoughts outloud.  I heard my husband's questions and the calm in his voice kept me at peace too, but The Lord was with me, and I was sure we were making the right decision too.

In the OR, my doctor checked me once more to make sure nothing had changed.  Eyes shut tight, I kept yelling for drugs.  I was tired of feeling this bowling ball hitting me from the inside!!! I heard a nurse yell "Whats wrong with her?!"  (Not joking) and the woman I had not yet set my sight on who was holding me down screamed back "She's NATURAL!!!"  Everyone was frantic to get me calmed down.  I was yelling "No, nooooo!" as the pain would just split up through my middle, and there were only seconds of relief between episodes.  A nurse appeared in front of me with a little disposable creamer sized cup and asked me to drink it.  "I can't drink that!!!!", I yelled, and she said, "Uhhhh, the patient refuses to drink [the stuff]"  I replied, "I WILL drink it, but I am having a contraction!!!!!"  It relented, I chugged it down and threw the container.

The anathesiologist sauntered in.  I cracked my eyes for my first glimpse into the bright room.  I was completely nude, writhing on a table, and he says "I remember you!  The twins!"  And someone told him yes.  Then they said "She's natural!" again and he cracked, "How's that working for ya?"  I would have laughed, but instead I yelled, "You have one minute to get  that in me before I have another contraction."  As he started prepping, the questions came, and my husband answered them for me.  I felt the big piece of sticky plastic affix and I knew it would be over soon.  I couldn't sit still, another one was here, and the nurse asked me to just squeeze her as hard as I needed in order to sit still.  I grabbed her puffy arms and dug in with my nails, trying to forget about the pain between my legs!

As soon as the spinal released into my body, I morphed from a squealing piglet, to a dead fish on that table.  It was pure bliss.

I apologized profusely to everyone in the room, and they all giggled at me and my attitude change.  We had a little laugh and then Jonathan and I really started a sweet time of connection together as they all worked to get me ready.  We peacefully held hands, and I looked into my husband's eyes.  He was brimming with tears, but certain we were executing the right move.  I was too.

Dr. Simmons pulled Jack out, and all I heard were squeals from all of the women in the room, "Look how BIG HE IS!!!" and I choked out a sob.  I couldn't wait to see him and hear how big he was! Dr. Simmons said, "Oh Sarah, there was no way he was coming out vaginally!"  And I trusted her, and was thankful for her.

We all laughed when his first cry sounded like a toddler's cry, and Jonathan instantly yelled out, "Our son, Toddler Jack!"  which everyone laughed over for a while.  The nurses didn't need to clean him, he was fully pink, and he was a 9 on his APGAR.  On his head was about a three inch ruddy dent where he had been hitting my pelvis with every contraction. He showered the women working on him, almost immediately, with a ton of urine.  Everyone laughed!  And then, we weren't surprised at the announcement of 10lbs 13oz!!! Dr. Simmons said, "Gold star goes to our ultrasound tech who missed it by only 4 ounces!"

The recovery from the drugs pumped into me was uncharted territory.  Being back in our room, the nurse placed Jack on my chest for some skin to skin time and a first attempt at nursing, and I was alarmed for my inability to hold him or nurse him.  Quite frankly, if he had been my first, I think I would have called in quits with the nursing thing.  It was TOUGH at that moment.  I was really shaky and cold, numb, tingly, all sorts of things I had never felt before.  And Jack looked about as startled as I was.

I was nervous to hold him as we went upstairs to a recovery room, feeling like I might drop him. I was so numb, but we made it.  Our family came in right away and I was excited for them to be there.  We had never had a day birth really, and it was nice!  The staff gave us an extra hour to visit, and when everyone left, we gave nursing a shot again.

Jack felt so tense to me.  I had this desire to hold him until he relaxed.  I still do.  I have been holding him, and loving on him, sleeping next to him (GASP!), and it has been helping both of us recover. We went through something really deep, he and I, and it has been good for me too.

I have had three vaginal deliveries.  Patti, just minutes after my C section, came to comfort me (I think), because she said "You looked great, you'll be able to have as many VBACs as you would like, don't worry!"  At the time, I thought the information somewhat useless, I was really in my head about the whole thing.  But now, I am thankful for that little card she put in my back pocket.  It's been nice not to think about that even potentially being a big deal going forward.  I'm thankful for that, and I know The Lord used her in this experience.  I'll be thankful to hug her next this Friday, and thank her myself.

A word about Cesareans. Ummmmmmmm.  I know I labored before mine, so my recovery has been really rough, but even if it normally isn't this bad- say you avoid labor with a scheduled section- I will never feel like any less of a mother for having had Jack this way, and neither should you.

I have read, or heard so many women offer up regrets after a Cesarean.  A lot of them haven't experienced a vaginal birth, so there isn't an ability to compare, just a regret that "you couldn't".  At the risk of sounding one sided, you should get a superhero's CAPE.  Forget a push present.  A CAPE.  WITH YOUR NAME ON IT.  You COURAGEOUS WOMAN.  You have offered up your body as a sacrifice for your child, and you have undergone major surgery to have that beautiful thing here.  Vaginal birth, yes, it is a miraculous and hard thing to do.  I know.  But the C-section and recovery is NOT A JOKE.  I would rather have FIVE vaginal births than recover from another one of these again.  It's BRUTAL.  Way to go, mommy.  WAY TO GO.

I looked up the procedures for my situation, and was affirmed in my midwife's knowledge and execution. I was also so thankful for the advancements we have made in practicing medicine.  100 years ago, if a baby was stuck, there were two options: Mommy's pelvis is smashed and baby potentially lives, (mommy may die), OR baby's skull is smashed and baby arrives dead, Mommy lives.  Oh how greatful we should be to live in a time and place where this sort of ending is avoided.  

The Lord has been so good to me in this whole experience.  He sustained me while I labored, the most peaceful, purposeful labor to the end that I have ever had.  I loved it.  I loved communing with Him.  I loved naturally laboring.  I will welcome it in the future, as I lean on The Lord to walk me through it.  And He was with me when we had an immediate change of course.  Only He was with me in a different way.  Abiding in Him meant it was easy for me to release my hold on His hand, and instead be held in His arms as Jack was born. 

Jack, you are a treasure to us.  You are a symbol of relationship with Him and the beauty that enfolds in life as a result of it.  We pray, above all, that you will be a man after His own heart.  There is no greater purpose in life, it is worth living when you know your maker.

Love, Mommy and Daddy

I've been thinking a lot about the Discipline word.  Mostly how much responsibility, self control, love, and grace it requires from me.

I don't always get it right.

Shocker, I know.

A few days ago Vivien was pitching a full on tantrum *on the staircase* while my 35 weeks pregnant self was trying to urge she, her brother, and her sister up the flight without casualties.  It was the perfect time for a willful toddler to flex the muscles of "What will mommy do?", and I can understand wanting to stay out and play, but I know better than she.

I am aware that a napless Vivien makes for a little girl with a spoiled attitude come early evening. No thanks!

So, while I really wanted to just let her stay up and play with me, I was trying to hustle her upstairs for NAPTIME.  

My patience wasn't thin at the beginning, but the staircase setting put me on edge (Someone could get hurt!!!), so instead of gently handling her, I popped her bottom good (through her coth diaper, so was it really good?) and helped her up the stairs screaming.  She *did* get the point and after settling the twins to sleep quickly, I joined her in her room.

I'm taking a step out into new territory by journaling this story.  Is this something I will want to remember years from now? Is this something I want all of my children to reference one day? I am cautiously answering yes.

I met Vivien in her room.  She was not happy with me, and I was upset for the way I had handled it too.  I asked her if she would pray with me, and we did.  We prayed for more evidence of the Holy Spirit in our lives, thanked Jesus for loving us, and giving us to each other, and a few other things.

When we were done praying, all was mended between us.  No more hurt.  

I talked it over with Jonathan later. He encouraged me to have grace with myself.  But I was quick to share with him the verse above.  I *happened* to be reading 1 Corinthians 4 THAT DAY, and Paul's tone encouraged me.  In fact, I'm not sure that I ever read that verse with any sort of consequnce.  It just had never been on the radar.

I am not a pushover, or someone that can't direct the kids.  But, I was a prodigal, and I know that I am prone to want to go easy on them for an imbalance in my heart.  I stupidly think that there is some way I can be loving and gentle enough that I would keep them from any chance of ever rebelling.  Not that every child does, or will, or that our actions have little or no influence on that...etc.  It's just that, my heart breaks for their sin.  I wish I could take it on myself, or something silly like that.  But I can't. 

It is a far higher calling from The Lord to enter the arena of parenting and submit to what He wants to teach me:  a healthy way to approach parenting.

This means that I can come with a spirit of gentleness, but I have to be the law enforcer.  I can't just sit at the table and let the kids throw their food all over the floor.  While that may be cute in a scene in a movie, it's not the way to train them up to be respectful towards food, property, others, etc.

When my tenderhearted son, who genuinely is a textbook baby (like I literally can tell his age by his behavioral milestones), starts a bedtime battle with me, he wants to see what the boundaries are.  How do I help him when I go in his room a thousand times giving him back things he's thrown out of the crib.  I'm sure some would chalk it up to "his curiousity" or myriad other reasons...but I see the look on his face, and after a few days of playing his game, I finally realized what was going on.  I told him if he pitched a fit, I would come back and spank his bottom.  He got very introspective, laid there, and I knew he understood.  So I left, and he pitched a fit.  Wouldn't you know, I went back in, popped his cloth diapered bottom and laid him down, and I heard "night night, momma" as I left the room.  And it's been quiet ever since.

Back to the verse. at the top, Paul asks about coming with "a spirit of love in gentleness", and I prefer that approach to tell you the truth.

I hope most mothers do.

But sometimes, as Paul states above to the church in Corinth (who were behaving like a bunch of unruly children to put it quickly...), we are required to use a rod.  That's a metaphor, obviously.  And because my interest isn't in examining the passages in scripture that relate to "The rod" (today), I'll let it lie.  But suffice to say, there is a lot there.

The Lord is gracious to me.  Today, as I watched the kids play together in their playroom, I considered what their interactions would look like even a year from now.

Vivien is so very into imaginative play, and becomes frustrated when her brother and sister mess with whatever she is in the process of dreaming about.  It requires a lot of referreeing on my part, but I roll with it.  The twins are pretty easily persuaded to move on to something else.

I'm thrilled that Jonathan fenced in the backyard so that they have freedom back there.  I enjoy watching Evelyn taste dirt, or Elijah walk far enough away to turn around and show me what a big boy he is.  It's a joy.

What a journey motherhood is.  I thought in my 20s that I had been so closely tethered to The Lord because of "my ministry" in "LA" and all the reading and studying I did...but my life now requires so much more listening, leaning, and loving on Jesus.  Oh my.  I just want to change in any way that He asks me to.  I never want to be stubborn in my own devices or ideas, only open to whatever The Lord asks me to lay down.

I am so humbled that we keep conceiving children.  So humbled.

Children, every night when daddy and I pray for you, it's to be in love with Jesus, set free from whatever would hold you back by the power of the Holy Spirit, and that you would have JOY, deep joy, unending love, and humble sevant's hearts.  

My cup overflows.

The big FOUR. 

I can tell you why I wondered or worried.

Motherhood is the ultimate excercise in losing yourself.  And, yeah, it's uncomfortable.  

There are literally tons and tons of blogs floating around about how much you lose of yourself in order to sacrifice for your child or children.  Physically, emotionally, it's a bunch of give give give!  You are encouraged to embrace the insanity and just rejoice in the giant pat on the back you should keep giving yourself everyday, day in and day out, because "It is SO not about YOU anymore, and you should be proud that you recognize it!  Good job thinking of yourself last, Mom!"

You can tell where you stand when your little rejects your affections, or your teen tells you they hate you.  How do you respond? This is the ultimate litmus test for any mother.

Where does your servanthood need to spring from then?  From the ultimate servant of man: Jesus.

You must take your beautifully painful (and frequent) moments of death to self to The Lord.  You must invest in Him and Him alone.  You must be a powerful prayer warrior for your children.  You must find your value in who He says you are and what HE HAS FOR YOUR FAMILY in order to survive motherhood and a one day empty nest without pledging the depths of your heart to your littles. 

Do not give the love that is meant for Christ to anything else.

It's not that you ignore your children, or treat them less than, it's that you have things in proper place. And things in their proper places WORK.

In this, you will reap such a reward in the legacy you lead in front of them, that it will inspire and compel them to live the same.  Most of what our children learn is caught rather than taught anyway.  You will have children with servant hearts and mature spirits.  

What are you throwing out? A love for the Almighty? A desire for His prescence and for His Word?  A softness towards the prompting of the Holy Spirit and a reliance on His guidance in day to day life?