The big FOUR.
I'm not sure how I got here. I feel like I blinked and we were the six of us.
I'm finally hip to all the nonsense people spout when they see us in public. It's just tacky. Whatever happened to the whole "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"? Now, there is a phrase that could use a comeback!
Okay, the small talk is over...here is what's on my heart (haha!)
When The Lord is bringing something in my life to my attention because it needs to change, a process begins.
First, I notice my irritability. There is an agitation in me that I know isn't because "I haven't spent time in the Word" or "spent time in prayer"...at this phase of my relationship, I am desirous for his presence, so these things are constant. Prayer is a lifelong conversation with the Almighty...and it isn't always me talking. Ya dig?
Secondly, I can't shake it. So I get a little stubborn about it. I start to muse on what "it" is. I grow weary of my weakness in my flesh, and I get quiet with The Lord. I know I do. It's not pretty, I'm just admitting it. I am calling this "radio silence". I go quiet with Him.
Then, surrender. I can only do that quiet nonsense for so long, ya know? Usually two days tops, but the dam cracks and I begin, "I am lost. Help me. It's painful to die to me. Forgive me for running the last couple of days, but it hurts. I know you have something better...can you help me with it?"
Finally, my reply from The Lord. Always loving, gentle, filled with peace, comforting, powerful, and probably my favorite: lasting.
This time I am speaking from the struggle I have just had with the surrender of our family at this point.
GASP!!!
I finally allowed myself to say to The Lord (because of my agitation) that I was nervous and anxious about the next child coming.
GASP AGAIN!!!
No, but really, having three littles has been a lot for us. There is selfishness and personal desire that aren't healthy people...it's gotta go. Which is always really rad, and we wouldn't change it. We have seen The Lord beautifully go before us, so it is with joy that I approach motherhood most of the time.
I guess I am just admitting that my joy turned to anxiousness, and I haaaaaaate it. It was hard for me to admit it to The Lord even. In my own strength, I would say "oh yes! Bring it on! Ha Ha Ha!", but The Lord continually humbles me as He shows me gracefully where I desperately need Him in this.
Perhaps you have heard me say that we have a fragile ecosystem around here?
Will #4, another little, be enough to upset it in ways that I won't be able to handle?
I trust The Lord for our life. When He asked me to walk this way, I (we!) said "yes!", but on a lifelong journey, there are miles that make you question where you are being led.
If I could do all of this in my own strength, there would be no glory to God for it. Therefore I would most likely be walking out MY PATH in life. NOT HIS.
HOW FRIGHTENING. I wouldn't be sinning. But I would miss His best for me. As Oswald Chambers says:
We need to rely on the resurrection life of Jesus on a much deeper level than we do now. We should get in the habit of continually seeking His counsel on everything, instead of making our own commonsense decisions and then asking Him to bless them...When we do something out of a sense of duty, it is easy to explain the reasons for our actions to others. But when we do something out of obedience to the Lord, there can be no other explanation-just obedience. That is why a saint can be so easily ridiculed and misunderstood."
AHHHH yessss. So true.
My path would go like this (right now) "okay Lord, sooooo I'm going to need to hire a nanny or something, and we are going to need to stop this procreating for a while. Probably for about five years. Or, you know, whenever we get back on top of what we want to do. For me, I need more time to modge podge canvases and have coffee dates with my friends. Are they even my friends anymore? I literally never see them. I didn't even mention my best friend, Jonathan, don't you think we would benefit by having no third wheel at night for a while? I mean, surely..........." And on it goes.
Instead The Lord is teaching me to climb with Him to the high places. And quite frankly, I've done this so long now, I realized today that, pain or not, I need to proceed ahead. His plan is best, as evidenced by our life.
Why would I want differently?
I wonder what our son will be like. I get to meet him soon, but The Lord knows him now. What if I had said "more time lord!" Because I did ask The Lord for a few months to just "get some stuff done around the house" last summer, and you know what? We didn't conceive Jack until I prayed and told The Lord that I was desiring pregnancy again. That month, we got pregnant. The Lord is a loving Father. He strengthens me to continue to walk out the path. And He is good to support me in my weaknesses.
He never forces us to know Him more. He doesn't force us to lay down our lives. (Well, if you are a Calvinist you may disagree with that), but regardless, no forcing is happening.
Today I approached The Lord tentatively after a couple of days of "radio silence", to ask Him to show me what was in my heart totally, help me be rid of it totally, and restore the joy of the path we are on.
The Holy Spirit led me to John 16. In he ESV there is a subheading titled "The Work of the Holy Spirit" and then "Your sorrow will turn into joy"
Well hallelujah!!!
Particularly, I found myself stuck on verse 21.
"When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world."
But the author goes on to say "your joy, no one can take from you" (because of the work and place of the Holy Spirit).
Oh thank you. Just enough "light" for today. I have the promise that my joy can not be taken.
I have decided to rejoice today!!!! The joy of The Lord is my strength!!!
"Sing aloud to God our strength; shout for joy to the God of Jacob!" Psalms 81
We always want to be able to say that the very cry of our hearts is "yes Lord! Send us! Use us!" May it be.
P.S. The link to our family video! So in love with it!!! Hope you enjoy it too!
