Hey Kids!
I've been aching to write you this for at least a week now, but I have been too busy to sit down and do it...wonder why? ;) I am taking advantage of a head/heart "dump" here in this letter to you so that I can continue to do what I have to, and perhaps look back one day with fondness on this all.
You see, I've recently felt saddened by the stage we are at right now with you three oldest. Vivien, Elijah, and Evelyn, you are all precocios and beautiful, and everyday you do things right in front of my eyes that astound me, but it's really hard right now. There. I said it.
We are in a phase that requires me to be a little more disciplinarian.
I'm confessing: I want to skip forward to the "talks about life" phase and the "heart issues, not behavioral issues" phase. (Yeah yeah, I know there will be challenges there, I'm just being honest about where I am now.)
Vivien. You are such a sweet girl. I can see that you long to be compliant, but you fight against me for your independence. It is always in a way that seems silly to me, but it's very real to you, and I do my best to help temper myself when you are having a hard time. It doesn't always have to be a battle (But you still aren't allowed to go to bed with your purse honey...) Some of the beauty in your "little mommy-ness" is that you always always want to lend a hand, and a majority of the time you are so very helpful. I value you and appreciate your attempts to be a good leader. That is a wonderful character trait, darling. I frequently hear you talking to your brother and sister like I do, and it encourages me, because you can be so gentle and kind. I realize that something is taking hold of you, and I thank God.
Elijah. I adore your stubborn spirit. It will make you a man of truth one day, and I am proud to be your mother and to help you grow that part of you. The Lord will use that! I am thankful that the Lord helps me be patient in your moments of gumption, for when you aren't stomping a foot, you love to sing, to dance, and to watch out for your sisters. You remind me a LOT of your father in these ways: headstrong, fiercely protective, an evaluator. You are my cautious observer, and I know this will benefit you in the long run. It's already benefitting your little sister ;)
See how lovely you all are?! And it really goes without saying how deep my (our) love for you is.
You all are special in your closeness. It is going to give you so many advantages in life. Having just one sibling as a close friend is the best gift, I can't imagine the gift that comes in multiple ones!!!
Right now you all bicker, hurt, snatch, anger, and generally irk one another everyday. It's because you are babies. You are young. You don't really understand what you are doing, you just do whatever comes to your little mind. No long term consequences. It makes me feel like I should put on a referee jersey every morning.
A lot of days I go to sleep wishing I could have said "yes" so much more than "no". Speaking a word of affirmation is pretty natural to me, yet even I spend time considering how I can encourage you more. We can get into this "correction cycle" so quickly!
I'm warning you now, I am not going to referee your lives forever. Right now this is where we are supposed to be. You are too little to know what you are getting yourself into. But later, you won't be, and we will start having you problem solve between each other. I'm not going to foster victim/bully mentality around here. I also can't bear to do it forever. It seems like it's too much now! ;)
What helps me the most is meditating on what God must feel like when He leads us as baby Christians. I can remember the ways He would redirect me over, and over. I can remember His hugs and kisses on me in certain circumstances, and His grace...ohhh His grace. I am thankful that I have those experiences to draw from. It helps me in my tenderness, and also my authority.
I know that I am (we are) laying a foundation for you all of what sort of character and behavior is appropriate. It's important. Very important.
I love you...I'm proud of you.
But, little ones, Jesus is how Mommy is making it these days. Mommy is weak. I am thankful to be raising you which allows me to live verses like this:
There is nothing more awesome than knowing and serving the Lord.
xo- Mom
