Hey Kids!
I've been aching to write you this for at least a week now, but I have been too busy to sit down and do it...wonder why? ;) I am taking advantage of a head/heart "dump" here in this letter to you so that I can continue to do what I have to, and perhaps look back one day with fondness on this all.
You see, I've recently felt saddened by the stage we are at right now with you three oldest. Vivien, Elijah, and Evelyn, you are all precocios and beautiful, and everyday you do things right in front of my eyes that astound me, but it's really hard right now. There. I said it.
We are in a phase that requires me to be a little more disciplinarian.
I'm confessing: I want to skip forward to the "talks about life" phase and the "heart issues, not behavioral issues" phase. (Yeah yeah, I know there will be challenges there, I'm just being honest about where I am now.)
Vivien. You are such a sweet girl. I can see that you long to be compliant, but you fight against me for your independence. It is always in a way that seems silly to me, but it's very real to you, and I do my best to help temper myself when you are having a hard time. It doesn't always have to be a battle (But you still aren't allowed to go to bed with your purse honey...) Some of the beauty in your "little mommy-ness" is that you always always want to lend a hand, and a majority of the time you are so very helpful. I value you and appreciate your attempts to be a good leader. That is a wonderful character trait, darling. I frequently hear you talking to your brother and sister like I do, and it encourages me, because you can be so gentle and kind. I realize that something is taking hold of you, and I thank God.
Elijah. I adore your stubborn spirit. It will make you a man of truth one day, and I am proud to be your mother and to help you grow that part of you. The Lord will use that! I am thankful that the Lord helps me be patient in your moments of gumption, for when you aren't stomping a foot, you love to sing, to dance, and to watch out for your sisters. You remind me a LOT of your father in these ways: headstrong, fiercely protective, an evaluator. You are my cautious observer, and I know this will benefit you in the long run. It's already benefitting your little sister ;)
See how lovely you all are?! And it really goes without saying how deep my (our) love for you is.
You all are special in your closeness. It is going to give you so many advantages in life. Having just one sibling as a close friend is the best gift, I can't imagine the gift that comes in multiple ones!!!
Right now you all bicker, hurt, snatch, anger, and generally irk one another everyday. It's because you are babies. You are young. You don't really understand what you are doing, you just do whatever comes to your little mind. No long term consequences. It makes me feel like I should put on a referee jersey every morning.
A lot of days I go to sleep wishing I could have said "yes" so much more than "no". Speaking a word of affirmation is pretty natural to me, yet even I spend time considering how I can encourage you more. We can get into this "correction cycle" so quickly!
I'm warning you now, I am not going to referee your lives forever. Right now this is where we are supposed to be. You are too little to know what you are getting yourself into. But later, you won't be, and we will start having you problem solve between each other. I'm not going to foster victim/bully mentality around here. I also can't bear to do it forever. It seems like it's too much now! ;)
What helps me the most is meditating on what God must feel like when He leads us as baby Christians. I can remember the ways He would redirect me over, and over. I can remember His hugs and kisses on me in certain circumstances, and His grace...ohhh His grace. I am thankful that I have those experiences to draw from. It helps me in my tenderness, and also my authority.
I know that I am (we are) laying a foundation for you all of what sort of character and behavior is appropriate. It's important. Very important.
I will keep trying hard not to wish these days away...you three are so precious to me. Oh my goodness. When you aren't squabbling, you are laughing and cheering each other on. Just this morning I overheard you all PRAYING together in your playhouse. Blessed. My. Heart!!!!!
I love you...I'm proud of you.
But, little ones, Jesus is how Mommy is making it these days. Mommy is weak. I am thankful to be raising you which allows me to live verses like this:
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
There is nothing more awesome than knowing and serving the Lord.
xo- Mom
"Shall I bring to the point of birth and not cause to bring forth?” says the LORD; “shall I, who cause to bring forth, shut the womb?” says your God. -Isaiah 66:9
The first week of April, I started feeling the pangs of early labor. It was two seperate nights, and I didn't get my hopes up. If anything, I figured I would go to my estimated due date: April 16th.
Both times labor started and stopped. I think it's called prodromal labor, and I was in it. April 14th rolled around and it had become sort of funny that I was still pregnant. All the sayings about third pregnancies coming earlier and not a one of them true. I went in that Monday morning to meet with my midwife and have an ultrasound. I had been measuring big most of my pregnancy, so either my dates were wrong, or I was having a big baby.
Monday morning, after my ultrasound, the tech announced that her measurements predicted an 11lb 1oz baby!!!!!! Jonathan and she talked about head circumference briefly and we headed to another room to meet with my midwife.
Ronda was super positive. She asked me my feelings on the estimated weight, asked me what my ideal labor situation looked like, and we talked over the margin of error on the ultrasound. Jonathan and I decided that we would give natural labor a try and see, and before I left, I happily consented to a membrane sweep. We did talk about the possibility of a cesarean, should he have problems descending, even in natural labor, and I felt like I was in great hands should that happen.
Within an hour I was crampy and feeling "those pangs". Jonathan's employers threw us a shower directly after our appointment, and I welcomed the distraction. I tried, successfully, not to get my hopes up...this labor thing can really drag on, and I was alert to how I had embraced patience, thanking The Lord for the work He was doing in my heart as I prayed for more. Don't get me wrong, I was excited about meeting Jack, but to me, one day or one week wasn't making a huge difference. He would come when he was ready, and when The Lord called Him forth. No one knows why a baby comes? I do. Because The Lord says "now." that's why.
That evening labor picked up and we spent about four hours in a contraction pattern. I knew I was in early labor, but because we had talked about how big Jack was, and the possibility of a fast progression for me based on my birth history, I was starting to feel uneasy about entering active labor away from a hospital.
We decided to go in. I could relax knowing that someone was nearby should anything go wrong or go quick, and I knew there was a possibility they would send me home, but Jonathan and I opted to risk it.
In triage, I met the nasty nurse that I hadn't seen since Vivien's birth. I couldn't believe it. She literally said to me "Well, what brings you here?" TO MATERNITY ASSESSMENT. The plaque on your door says Maternity Assessment. That's why I am here. Uuuuuuggggghhhhh. She made me cry the first time I met her, and low and behold, she had me crying again at the end of this visit!!!!!! She and one of my doctors both were given my explanation: That I was uncomfortable progressing at home and would rather be at the hospital. Didn't matter. They asked me to go home (I was only 2cm), that my labor was probably false (THE NERVE!!!!), and would I take some drugs that night to calm down (Ummmm, no.)
We went home around 1am. Jonathan got some sleep (he was going to be getting up with the kiddos) and I tried to rest intermittenly as I labored. I cried on and off and spent the wee hours of that morning with The Lord. "Why was I feeling fearful now?!" The staff I had seen that night were so negative. Discouraging. I cried out to the Lord to speak to me in the midst of all of the reports I had received that day. "Big baby", "Not in real labor", these things had me off kilter and I was losing my peace to just wait expectantly. Through my tears, and through my broken prayers, I heard the Holy Spirit prompt me this: "Shall I bring to the point of birth and not deliver?" I had no idea where I had read that, but I looked it up and took comfort in reading the verse in its entirety. Earlier that evening as I had labored in my living room, I saw the tail end of the 1 Corinthians 15:58 verse on our wall jump out at me "...your labor is not in vain." Although out of context, those two things that evening gave me supernatural strength.
After a long few hours, I felt emotionally and spiritually resolute. And I finally was able to physically relax after I took two tylenol and a bath somewhere around 6:30am.
I woke up, went to the bathroom and said goodbye to my plug (in one piece), knowing that I was definitely progressing (take that, you jerk nurse!), ate some breakfast, and napped on and off for the day spending time with my family as I could. It was such a nice day. My mom came over that afternoon and we talked a bit about relationship with The Lord. Funny enough, the first real thing I ever asked her about The Lord was how to love Him. As a new adult Christian, I couldn't understand that idea, but I wanted to. To me, He wasn't tangible, so how could I be in relationship with Him. Here she and I were years later talking about relationship versus "Why?"
She mentioned noticing how often people go there first: "Why, Lord?" they need or want an explanation for whatever is occurring. I immediately could relate that to my toddlers. They want the answer to "Why?" all the time. The truth is, that is a rudimentary approach. We talked over the importance of just walking through things with The Lord just because you are delighting in the relationship with Him. This put a label on what I had been experiencing the week (and especially day) before, and I was anxious to be able to nail down the concept. I was enjoying just walking through it with Him. It was much better than any "Why?" answer ever would have been.
Feeling refreshed, I had a quick conversation with my midwives that evening, who wanted to see me in the morning to reevaluate.
Wednesday morning I was 5cm, and on the precipice of active labor. I could feel that portion of labor trying to set in before we left for my very early appointment, but I knew changing locations would probably hold it all at bay...which it did...so, I wasn't surprised to hear I was that progressed.
She wished me luck and sent me over to check in at Kennestone. Everything was different this time. We were "in the flow", which was obvious by our amazing nurse and on call staff. Kristin asked me from the get go if I would like to labor in my clothes and just let her check baby's heartbeat every once in a while. YES. We chit chatted a bit and I found out she was a twin herself and from a large family. We all got along very well! It took me a couple of hours, but active labor set in and I began using my Bradley Method relaxation techniques in the hospital bed. Moving around was soooo uncomfortable once I hit that active labor phase, so Jonathan sat next to me and read over 20 chapters from the Psalms. It is one of the most memorable things we have ever done together, and it will be recorded as one of the most peaceful and empowering moments in our lives.
My last labor saw a moderate to fast time in active labor, so I wasn't sure what to expect. My water hadn't broken and we were all looking for that to happen naturally, hoping that would be a great sign on Jack's progress down through my pelvis.
I was studied on positions for helping a big baby move through the pelvis. We were ready to implement whatever we could, and my midwife gave me all the space I needed. The staff ran a bath for me at the hospital when I was still in active labor. It was only midafternoon, I had been there for about four hours, and I was feeling the need to start moving again. My body was done relaxing through contractions. Now I felt the need to start undressing, feeling lots of pressure below, and I wanted to labor on my side with my pelvis more "open" ;)
I did that until it was no longer comfortable, moving to an elevated all fours position, where I could rock my pelvis to help the head descend. I had so much pressure below, but not pushing pressure. It was almost a fake "I need to push" pressure. My water broke on its own.
I moved to transition, starting to feel the contractions on top of one another, but my cervix wasn't dilating on the natural progression scale anymore. The doctor on call and my midwife had come in early afternoon to talk to me about what it would look like if they were concerned that Jack was too big, but I was surprised when it all started happening. I labored in transition like state for over an hour, immense, immense pain, but it felt wrong. I started feeling my focus drop with every compounding contraction that didn't result in his head moving. I had been -1 station for hours. He wasn't moving down. I was opening up, but it didn't matter.
Patti, my midwife, is like crazy hippie crunchy. She would have caught that baby if I was standing on top of the bed. She even was guiding my movements at the end, hoping to help get him out! She was way supportive of what we were trying to acheive, so when I saw her face saying "He's not going to come this way." I trusted her 100%.
At that point I was angry to be contracting. I knew the "anger during transition" feeling, I had it with the twins and I will never forget it. Hah! Once we decided no more laboring, I was desperate in my mind to turn off these meaningless contractions. For me, labroing is doable because it's so purposeful. Without purpose, I was BEYOND over it!!!!! Something in me said to turn head down into the fold of the hospital bed with my behind up, anything to take the pressure that was raging against my uncooperative body every single contraction.
All of the sudden I was taking off all the metal on my body. Earrings, rings, my coobie has a bit of metal- it all had to come off, immediately. My eyes were closed, trying to suffer through the insanely strong contractions that were unbearable. In that position, there was a small ounce of relief, and I took it, even as I knew I looked insane being wheeled down the hall for an emergency C. I never opened my eyes once. I just listened to everyone's voices, their thoughts outloud. I heard my husband's questions and the calm in his voice kept me at peace too, but The Lord was with me, and I was sure we were making the right decision too.
In the OR, my doctor checked me once more to make sure nothing had changed. Eyes shut tight, I kept yelling for drugs. I was tired of feeling this bowling ball hitting me from the inside!!! I heard a nurse yell "Whats wrong with her?!" (Not joking) and the woman I had not yet set my sight on who was holding me down screamed back "She's NATURAL!!!" Everyone was frantic to get me calmed down. I was yelling "No, nooooo!" as the pain would just split up through my middle, and there were only seconds of relief between episodes. A nurse appeared in front of me with a little disposable creamer sized cup and asked me to drink it. "I can't drink that!!!!", I yelled, and she said, "Uhhhh, the patient refuses to drink [the stuff]" I replied, "I WILL drink it, but I am having a contraction!!!!!" It relented, I chugged it down and threw the container.
The anathesiologist sauntered in. I cracked my eyes for my first glimpse into the bright room. I was completely nude, writhing on a table, and he says "I remember you! The twins!" And someone told him yes. Then they said "She's natural!" again and he cracked, "How's that working for ya?" I would have laughed, but instead I yelled, "You have one minute to get that in me before I have another contraction." As he started prepping, the questions came, and my husband answered them for me. I felt the big piece of sticky plastic affix and I knew it would be over soon. I couldn't sit still, another one was here, and the nurse asked me to just squeeze her as hard as I needed in order to sit still. I grabbed her puffy arms and dug in with my nails, trying to forget about the pain between my legs!
As soon as the spinal released into my body, I morphed from a squealing piglet, to a dead fish on that table. It was pure bliss.
I apologized profusely to everyone in the room, and they all giggled at me and my attitude change. We had a little laugh and then Jonathan and I really started a sweet time of connection together as they all worked to get me ready. We peacefully held hands, and I looked into my husband's eyes. He was brimming with tears, but certain we were executing the right move. I was too.
Dr. Simmons pulled Jack out, and all I heard were squeals from all of the women in the room, "Look how BIG HE IS!!!" and I choked out a sob. I couldn't wait to see him and hear how big he was! Dr. Simmons said, "Oh Sarah, there was no way he was coming out vaginally!" And I trusted her, and was thankful for her.
We all laughed when his first cry sounded like a toddler's cry, and Jonathan instantly yelled out, "Our son, Toddler Jack!" which everyone laughed over for a while. The nurses didn't need to clean him, he was fully pink, and he was a 9 on his APGAR. On his head was about a three inch ruddy dent where he had been hitting my pelvis with every contraction. He showered the women working on him, almost immediately, with a ton of urine. Everyone laughed! And then, we weren't surprised at the announcement of 10lbs 13oz!!! Dr. Simmons said, "Gold star goes to our ultrasound tech who missed it by only 4 ounces!"
The recovery from the drugs pumped into me was uncharted territory. Being back in our room, the nurse placed Jack on my chest for some skin to skin time and a first attempt at nursing, and I was alarmed for my inability to hold him or nurse him. Quite frankly, if he had been my first, I think I would have called in quits with the nursing thing. It was TOUGH at that moment. I was really shaky and cold, numb, tingly, all sorts of things I had never felt before. And Jack looked about as startled as I was.
I was nervous to hold him as we went upstairs to a recovery room, feeling like I might drop him. I was so numb, but we made it. Our family came in right away and I was excited for them to be there. We had never had a day birth really, and it was nice! The staff gave us an extra hour to visit, and when everyone left, we gave nursing a shot again.
Jack felt so tense to me. I had this desire to hold him until he relaxed. I still do. I have been holding him, and loving on him, sleeping next to him (GASP!), and it has been helping both of us recover. We went through something really deep, he and I, and it has been good for me too.
I have had three vaginal deliveries. Patti, just minutes after my C section, came to comfort me (I think), because she said "You looked great, you'll be able to have as many VBACs as you would like, don't worry!" At the time, I thought the information somewhat useless, I was really in my head about the whole thing. But now, I am thankful for that little card she put in my back pocket. It's been nice not to think about that even potentially being a big deal going forward. I'm thankful for that, and I know The Lord used her in this experience. I'll be thankful to hug her next this Friday, and thank her myself.
A word about Cesareans. Ummmmmmmm. I know I labored before mine, so my recovery has been really rough, but even if it normally isn't this bad- say you avoid labor with a scheduled section- I will never feel like any less of a mother for having had Jack this way, and neither should you.
I have read, or heard so many women offer up regrets after a Cesarean. A lot of them haven't experienced a vaginal birth, so there isn't an ability to compare, just a regret that "you couldn't". At the risk of sounding one sided, you should get a superhero's CAPE. Forget a push present. A CAPE. WITH YOUR NAME ON IT. You COURAGEOUS WOMAN. You have offered up your body as a sacrifice for your child, and you have undergone major surgery to have that beautiful thing here. Vaginal birth, yes, it is a miraculous and hard thing to do. I know. But the C-section and recovery is NOT A JOKE. I would rather have FIVE vaginal births than recover from another one of these again. It's BRUTAL. Way to go, mommy. WAY TO GO.
I looked up the procedures for my situation, and was affirmed in my midwife's knowledge and execution. I was also so thankful for the advancements we have made in practicing medicine. 100 years ago, if a baby was stuck, there were two options: Mommy's pelvis is smashed and baby potentially lives, (mommy may die), OR baby's skull is smashed and baby arrives dead, Mommy lives. Oh how greatful we should be to live in a time and place where this sort of ending is avoided.
The Lord has been so good to me in this whole experience. He sustained me while I labored, the most peaceful, purposeful labor to the end that I have ever had. I loved it. I loved communing with Him. I loved naturally laboring. I will welcome it in the future, as I lean on The Lord to walk me through it. And He was with me when we had an immediate change of course. Only He was with me in a different way. Abiding in Him meant it was easy for me to release my hold on His hand, and instead be held in His arms as Jack was born.
Jack, you are a treasure to us. You are a symbol of relationship with Him and the beauty that enfolds in life as a result of it. We pray, above all, that you will be a man after His own heart. There is no greater purpose in life, it is worth living when you know your maker.
Love, Mommy and Daddy
"What do you wish? Shall I come to you with a rod, or with love in a spirit of gentleness?" 1 Corinthians 4:21
I've been thinking a lot about the Discipline word. Mostly how much responsibility, self control, love, and grace it requires from me.
I don't always get it right.
Shocker, I know.
A few days ago Vivien was pitching a full on tantrum *on the staircase* while my 35 weeks pregnant self was trying to urge she, her brother, and her sister up the flight without casualties. It was the perfect time for a willful toddler to flex the muscles of "What will mommy do?", and I can understand wanting to stay out and play, but I know better than she.
I am aware that a napless Vivien makes for a little girl with a spoiled attitude come early evening. No thanks!
So, while I really wanted to just let her stay up and play with me, I was trying to hustle her upstairs for NAPTIME.
My patience wasn't thin at the beginning, but the staircase setting put me on edge (Someone could get hurt!!!), so instead of gently handling her, I popped her bottom good (through her coth diaper, so was it really good?) and helped her up the stairs screaming. She *did* get the point and after settling the twins to sleep quickly, I joined her in her room.
I'm taking a step out into new territory by journaling this story. Is this something I will want to remember years from now? Is this something I want all of my children to reference one day? I am cautiously answering yes.
I met Vivien in her room. She was not happy with me, and I was upset for the way I had handled it too. I asked her if she would pray with me, and we did. We prayed for more evidence of the Holy Spirit in our lives, thanked Jesus for loving us, and giving us to each other, and a few other things.
When we were done praying, all was mended between us. No more hurt.
I talked it over with Jonathan later. He encouraged me to have grace with myself. But I was quick to share with him the verse above. I *happened* to be reading 1 Corinthians 4 THAT DAY, and Paul's tone encouraged me. In fact, I'm not sure that I ever read that verse with any sort of consequnce. It just had never been on the radar.
I am not a pushover, or someone that can't direct the kids. But, I was a prodigal, and I know that I am prone to want to go easy on them for an imbalance in my heart. I stupidly think that there is some way I can be loving and gentle enough that I would keep them from any chance of ever rebelling. Not that every child does, or will, or that our actions have little or no influence on that...etc. It's just that, my heart breaks for their sin. I wish I could take it on myself, or something silly like that. But I can't.
It is a far higher calling from The Lord to enter the arena of parenting and submit to what He wants to teach me: a healthy way to approach parenting.
This means that I can come with a spirit of gentleness, but I have to be the law enforcer. I can't just sit at the table and let the kids throw their food all over the floor. While that may be cute in a scene in a movie, it's not the way to train them up to be respectful towards food, property, others, etc.
When my tenderhearted son, who genuinely is a textbook baby (like I literally can tell his age by his behavioral milestones), starts a bedtime battle with me, he wants to see what the boundaries are. How do I help him when I go in his room a thousand times giving him back things he's thrown out of the crib. I'm sure some would chalk it up to "his curiousity" or myriad other reasons...but I see the look on his face, and after a few days of playing his game, I finally realized what was going on. I told him if he pitched a fit, I would come back and spank his bottom. He got very introspective, laid there, and I knew he understood. So I left, and he pitched a fit. Wouldn't you know, I went back in, popped his cloth diapered bottom and laid him down, and I heard "night night, momma" as I left the room. And it's been quiet ever since.
Back to the verse. at the top, Paul asks about coming with "a spirit of love in gentleness", and I prefer that approach to tell you the truth.
I hope most mothers do.
But sometimes, as Paul states above to the church in Corinth (who were behaving like a bunch of unruly children to put it quickly...), we are required to use a rod. That's a metaphor, obviously. And because my interest isn't in examining the passages in scripture that relate to "The rod" (today), I'll let it lie. But suffice to say, there is a lot there.
The Lord is gracious to me. Today, as I watched the kids play together in their playroom, I considered what their interactions would look like even a year from now.
Vivien is so very into imaginative play, and becomes frustrated when her brother and sister mess with whatever she is in the process of dreaming about. It requires a lot of referreeing on my part, but I roll with it. The twins are pretty easily persuaded to move on to something else.
I'm thrilled that Jonathan fenced in the backyard so that they have freedom back there. I enjoy watching Evelyn taste dirt, or Elijah walk far enough away to turn around and show me what a big boy he is. It's a joy.
What a journey motherhood is. I thought in my 20s that I had been so closely tethered to The Lord because of "my ministry" in "LA" and all the reading and studying I did...but my life now requires so much more listening, leaning, and loving on Jesus. Oh my. I just want to change in any way that He asks me to. I never want to be stubborn in my own devices or ideas, only open to whatever The Lord asks me to lay down.
I am so humbled that we keep conceiving children. So humbled.
Children, every night when daddy and I pray for you, it's to be in love with Jesus, set free from whatever would hold you back by the power of the Holy Spirit, and that you would have JOY, deep joy, unending love, and humble sevant's hearts.
My cup overflows.
The big FOUR.
I'm not sure how I got here. I feel like I blinked and we were the six of us.
I'm finally hip to all the nonsense people spout when they see us in public. It's just tacky. Whatever happened to the whole "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"? Now, there is a phrase that could use a comeback!
Okay, the small talk is over...here is what's on my heart (haha!)
When The Lord is bringing something in my life to my attention because it needs to change, a process begins.
First, I notice my irritability. There is an agitation in me that I know isn't because "I haven't spent time in the Word" or "spent time in prayer"...at this phase of my relationship, I am desirous for his presence, so these things are constant. Prayer is a lifelong conversation with the Almighty...and it isn't always me talking. Ya dig?
Secondly, I can't shake it. So I get a little stubborn about it. I start to muse on what "it" is. I grow weary of my weakness in my flesh, and I get quiet with The Lord. I know I do. It's not pretty, I'm just admitting it. I am calling this "radio silence". I go quiet with Him.
Then, surrender. I can only do that quiet nonsense for so long, ya know? Usually two days tops, but the dam cracks and I begin, "I am lost. Help me. It's painful to die to me. Forgive me for running the last couple of days, but it hurts. I know you have something better...can you help me with it?"
Finally, my reply from The Lord. Always loving, gentle, filled with peace, comforting, powerful, and probably my favorite: lasting.
This time I am speaking from the struggle I have just had with the surrender of our family at this point.
GASP!!!
I finally allowed myself to say to The Lord (because of my agitation) that I was nervous and anxious about the next child coming.
GASP AGAIN!!!
No, but really, having three littles has been a lot for us. There is selfishness and personal desire that aren't healthy people...it's gotta go. Which is always really rad, and we wouldn't change it. We have seen The Lord beautifully go before us, so it is with joy that I approach motherhood most of the time.
I guess I am just admitting that my joy turned to anxiousness, and I haaaaaaate it. It was hard for me to admit it to The Lord even. In my own strength, I would say "oh yes! Bring it on! Ha Ha Ha!", but The Lord continually humbles me as He shows me gracefully where I desperately need Him in this.
Perhaps you have heard me say that we have a fragile ecosystem around here?
Will #4, another little, be enough to upset it in ways that I won't be able to handle?
I trust The Lord for our life. When He asked me to walk this way, I (we!) said "yes!", but on a lifelong journey, there are miles that make you question where you are being led.
If I could do all of this in my own strength, there would be no glory to God for it. Therefore I would most likely be walking out MY PATH in life. NOT HIS.
HOW FRIGHTENING. I wouldn't be sinning. But I would miss His best for me. As Oswald Chambers says:
We need to rely on the resurrection life of Jesus on a much deeper level than we do now. We should get in the habit of continually seeking His counsel on everything, instead of making our own commonsense decisions and then asking Him to bless them...When we do something out of a sense of duty, it is easy to explain the reasons for our actions to others. But when we do something out of obedience to the Lord, there can be no other explanation-just obedience. That is why a saint can be so easily ridiculed and misunderstood."
AHHHH yessss. So true.
My path would go like this (right now) "okay Lord, sooooo I'm going to need to hire a nanny or something, and we are going to need to stop this procreating for a while. Probably for about five years. Or, you know, whenever we get back on top of what we want to do. For me, I need more time to modge podge canvases and have coffee dates with my friends. Are they even my friends anymore? I literally never see them. I didn't even mention my best friend, Jonathan, don't you think we would benefit by having no third wheel at night for a while? I mean, surely..........." And on it goes.
Instead The Lord is teaching me to climb with Him to the high places. And quite frankly, I've done this so long now, I realized today that, pain or not, I need to proceed ahead. His plan is best, as evidenced by our life.
Why would I want differently?
I wonder what our son will be like. I get to meet him soon, but The Lord knows him now. What if I had said "more time lord!" Because I did ask The Lord for a few months to just "get some stuff done around the house" last summer, and you know what? We didn't conceive Jack until I prayed and told The Lord that I was desiring pregnancy again. That month, we got pregnant. The Lord is a loving Father. He strengthens me to continue to walk out the path. And He is good to support me in my weaknesses.
He never forces us to know Him more. He doesn't force us to lay down our lives. (Well, if you are a Calvinist you may disagree with that), but regardless, no forcing is happening.
Today I approached The Lord tentatively after a couple of days of "radio silence", to ask Him to show me what was in my heart totally, help me be rid of it totally, and restore the joy of the path we are on.
The Holy Spirit led me to John 16. In he ESV there is a subheading titled "The Work of the Holy Spirit" and then "Your sorrow will turn into joy"
Well hallelujah!!!
Particularly, I found myself stuck on verse 21.
"When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world."
But the author goes on to say "your joy, no one can take from you" (because of the work and place of the Holy Spirit).
Oh thank you. Just enough "light" for today. I have the promise that my joy can not be taken.
I have decided to rejoice today!!!! The joy of The Lord is my strength!!!
"Sing aloud to God our strength; shout for joy to the God of Jacob!" Psalms 81
We always want to be able to say that the very cry of our hearts is "yes Lord! Send us! Use us!" May it be.
P.S. The link to our family video! So in love with it!!! Hope you enjoy it too!
"Whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered." Proverbs 11:25
Today it occurred to me that I adore being with my children. I really enjoy the job of Stay at Home Mom. I don't want anyone else to raise my kids, and I don't want to send them to others to "have a break" during the day. I want to be with them to help shape their interests, thoughts, education, and hearts.
I was very unsure about it even a year ago. I would have moments of "What have I gotten myself into?" and I would stop my mind from going down a trail of thoughts that could only end up negative, instead choosing to guard them and hand them over captively to The Lord: the one who led me here to begin with. Amen.
I can tell you why I wondered or worried.
Motherhood is the ultimate excercise in losing yourself. And, yeah, it's uncomfortable.
There are literally tons and tons of blogs floating around about how much you lose of yourself in order to sacrifice for your child or children. Physically, emotionally, it's a bunch of give give give! You are encouraged to embrace the insanity and just rejoice in the giant pat on the back you should keep giving yourself everyday, day in and day out, because "It is SO not about YOU anymore, and you should be proud that you recognize it! Good job thinking of yourself last, Mom!"
This is so subtly misleading as a new Mom because here's the thing: Where does that newfound selflessness project itself? It has to go somewhere! Onto yourself again? Perhaps. Are you the type that bemoans how much you give and give and give without ever asking for anything in return. Then you struggle there.
But for most, it will project onto your kids. The sun will rise and set on the idol of children, and let me tell you, it's not a worthy place to put your newfound self denial.
There's a difference between serving your children and being subservient to them.
You can tell where you stand when your little rejects your affections, or your teen tells you they hate you. How do you respond? This is the ultimate litmus test for any mother.
If this makes you crumble, if you wonder: now what was all of this for? Where is my value? And even: WHO AM I?!?! You have become subservient. Your happiness will never exist. No matter what you put your value in, your children, your spouse, whatever, it will all prove a let down. That mother you mock whom "just won't let their grown child go"...yeah, that will be you.
Where does your servanthood need to spring from then? From the ultimate servant of man: Jesus.
"For the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many." Mark 10:45
You must take your beautifully painful (and frequent) moments of death to self to The Lord. You must invest in Him and Him alone. You must be a powerful prayer warrior for your children. You must find your value in who He says you are and what HE HAS FOR YOUR FAMILY in order to survive motherhood and a one day empty nest without pledging the depths of your heart to your littles.
Do not give the love that is meant for Christ to anything else.
It's not that you ignore your children, or treat them less than, it's that you have things in proper place. And things in their proper places WORK.
In this, you will reap such a reward in the legacy you lead in front of them, that it will inspire and compel them to live the same. Most of what our children learn is caught rather than taught anyway. You will have children with servant hearts and mature spirits.
What are you throwing out? A love for the Almighty? A desire for His prescence and for His Word? A softness towards the prompting of the Holy Spirit and a reliance on His guidance in day to day life?
Oh help me Jesus to radiate that for my children. My deepest prayer! May my affection for The Lord be so deep and so wide that my children will have to search it to find me. Hallelujah.
"For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another." Galatians 5:13
For You, Lord, are most high above all the earth;
You are exalted far above all gods.
Psalm 97:9
When I found out I was pregnant with our very first child, Vivien, I did what most mothers do. I began this immersion into everything pregnancy related. What to Expect When You are Expecting was read, I began reading every blog Google shot my way, and I soaked it all in. Not only did I read, I talked with lots of mothers that I respected. I interviewed them for the tricks of the trade. At my first precious baby shower I received a copy of Dunsten's Baby Language, which saved our lives with our newborn weeks into her life. My sister in law gave me a copy of The Baby Whisperer which I still adore to this day and have used with all of our children. I recommend both of these resources to others, in fact. I researched cloth diapering and knew the Lord had called us to do that to save money. I became familiar with baby wearing, catch phrases like "Attachment parenting" and "Crying it Out". I was neck deep in all things mommy.
You know the adage "Fail to prepare, prepare to fail"? I definitely took it seriously, and I wouldn't change a lot of it. All of those things aren't bad. Some of them have been valuable resources.
But I want to address something today that has been bothering me. In my immersion of Christian mommy "self helps" I believe a trend has taken place. There is an abundance of Christian material out there for mommies, written by other mommies that promotes a very love and grace heavy type of parenting. I can remember when Vivien was very small, reading ebooks that were just all about reaching the heart of your child. Please don't misunderstand, this idea is not incorrect, but my take away gave me a lot of of unrest about basic discipline, and other forms of instruction. It also was thick with an ideal of "just enjoy your children because you can't have that time back", to which I agreed with in theory, but found myself even months ago saying "I can see overindulgence growing and it is wrong. Someone must take care of the household chores. I cannot sit around reading and crafting all day every day."
In the same vein, I can also quickly point to material that takes a heavy "law" approach. Very rule oriented. There is the shine about it because it promises compliant children. Who doesn't want that?! But thankfully, I could quickly see where the Biblical inconsistencies were and we put those down.
I don't have it all figured out, but what I do know is that grace or law heavy materials in the Christian venue, are both deceptive. They are just another form of deception.
As a new parent, armed with all sorts of information, the Holy Spirit continually pushed me out of situations where I was relying on other mothers (like in online groups), or searching "Dr. Google", and convicted me to pursue the truths in the Word first, middle, and last.
I was always ready with a small excuse for why I must be hearing wrong, because I had grace in those areas. I could see some fruit (good friendships, encouragement, things like that) and I wanted to remain apart. I also would frequently tell the Lord that the "practical information I needed" just wasn't in the Word! HELLLOOO?!
But my convictions wouldn't leave, and the Lord mercifully began to unfold His commitment to guide me through it all, with or without my obedience. As I watched Him work in my life, I willingly and joyfully gave up all of my worldly ties to be tethered faithfully to Him.
And now here I am.
I'm not too far into this, but parenting has become easier. Yeah. I know.
No longer am I wondering "what would someone else advise me to do?" or for heaven's sake "What would a google search yield?" Oh no...I am joyfully receiving my direction from the Spirit of God Himself, who admittedly knows all about me, my life, my children's lives and what ALL OF US NEED.
It's like a huge breath of pure, beautiful fresh air.
I want to be clear that there were some resources (as I mentioned above) that were wonderful. And the Lord gifted them to me from other people. There were many edifying conversations. If I need some quick answers on the symptoms of the common cold, or how to prevent the flu from spreading, Google is a champion. However I needed to have the wisdom to see what was from Him and what was of my own striving and searching. I do not wish to bash any resource, or discredit any friendship, but rather, report on what a wonderful graceful God I serve, that has waited for me to "get all the worldly seeking out of my system" so that I may return to my source unadulterated.
Instead, may I choose to draw so close to the Lord, that He shows me the heart of my children, that He chastens me to speak with His law/grace to them, that He molds my lump of clay into something that He can use since He has given me these children to steward. May He give me keen eyes like He has, to pierce my heart with the knowledge I need. May he give it to all of my mommy friends!!!!
"Seek the Lord, while He may be found,
Call upon Him while He is near."
Isaiah 55:6
"Seek the Lord and his strength; seek His presence continually"
Psalm 105:4
It's a lonely place to be quite honestly. A few "heart friends" will want to know the things the Lord is teaching us, but it's not a "one size fits all" solution. Like any good parent, God is molding us all different to purpose us for our callings. We should be supportive, memorize His Word (how else can we recall it in moments of need?!), and calm our lives to hear His still small voice. Because it is still. It is small.
But His faithfulness to speak: Oh thank you, Jesus. You speak.
"I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth!
He will not let your foot slip-- he who watches over you will not slumber;"
Psalm 121:1-3
If I can grow in my ability to hear from my perfect Creator, teach my children to hear there first, and be faithful to promote His Word to them, I am successfully parenting.
"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:11
My parents had to wait a while to view the "harvest of righteousness and peace" that came from their discipline of me. Now that I am a parent, I get the privilege of changing my attitude about what I thought parenting was before I had children. Hah! But really.
I am enjoying Dr. John Rosemond's books. I find his candor refreshing. I have always respected Dr. Dobson and appreciated any and all of his books, but I am really loving Dr. Rosemond these past few years. He is Biblically sound, and no nonsense. What a breath of fresh air.
I look around and see craziness in my generation when it comes to parenting. It is so overthought. The books, and books, and mountains of boooooks!!! So much of it is psychobabble (have you ever tried reasoning with a two year old? PUHLEASE.) and unfortunately, while having a good "heart" about it, has really led new parents astray. I can't even begin to imagine where this idea that children are born inherently good came from. It's beyond preposterous. The inventor must have literally never met a child.
My parents are probably in the top five people I would consider my best friends. Yeah. They are mentors to my husband and I, and they are very good at it.
I also think that they were the meanest parents ever. But, besides the fact that they aren't perfect, they accomplished the task at hand.
All that to say, I'm writing this to remind myself that the disciplining is hard. And that, contrary to what everyone in my generation wants (for their kids to think they are cool) your kids WILL think you are cool if you are a big fat meanie. It just may take a few years to see the harvest.
I love my children so much, that I don't want them to be spoiled. So help me Lord. I'm counting on that.
-Sarah
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