The big FOUR.
I'm not sure how I got here. I feel like I blinked and we were the six of us.
I'm finally hip to all the nonsense people spout when they see us in public. It's just tacky. Whatever happened to the whole "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"? Now, there is a phrase that could use a comeback!
Okay, the small talk is over...here is what's on my heart (haha!)
When The Lord is bringing something in my life to my attention because it needs to change, a process begins.
First, I notice my irritability. There is an agitation in me that I know isn't because "I haven't spent time in the Word" or "spent time in prayer"...at this phase of my relationship, I am desirous for his presence, so these things are constant. Prayer is a lifelong conversation with the Almighty...and it isn't always me talking. Ya dig?
Secondly, I can't shake it. So I get a little stubborn about it. I start to muse on what "it" is. I grow weary of my weakness in my flesh, and I get quiet with The Lord. I know I do. It's not pretty, I'm just admitting it. I am calling this "radio silence". I go quiet with Him.
Then, surrender. I can only do that quiet nonsense for so long, ya know? Usually two days tops, but the dam cracks and I begin, "I am lost. Help me. It's painful to die to me. Forgive me for running the last couple of days, but it hurts. I know you have something better...can you help me with it?"
Finally, my reply from The Lord. Always loving, gentle, filled with peace, comforting, powerful, and probably my favorite: lasting.
This time I am speaking from the struggle I have just had with the surrender of our family at this point.
GASP!!!
I finally allowed myself to say to The Lord (because of my agitation) that I was nervous and anxious about the next child coming.
GASP AGAIN!!!
No, but really, having three littles has been a lot for us. There is selfishness and personal desire that aren't healthy people...it's gotta go. Which is always really rad, and we wouldn't change it. We have seen The Lord beautifully go before us, so it is with joy that I approach motherhood most of the time.
I guess I am just admitting that my joy turned to anxiousness, and I haaaaaaate it. It was hard for me to admit it to The Lord even. In my own strength, I would say "oh yes! Bring it on! Ha Ha Ha!", but The Lord continually humbles me as He shows me gracefully where I desperately need Him in this.
Perhaps you have heard me say that we have a fragile ecosystem around here?
Will #4, another little, be enough to upset it in ways that I won't be able to handle?
I trust The Lord for our life. When He asked me to walk this way, I (we!) said "yes!", but on a lifelong journey, there are miles that make you question where you are being led.
If I could do all of this in my own strength, there would be no glory to God for it. Therefore I would most likely be walking out MY PATH in life. NOT HIS.
HOW FRIGHTENING. I wouldn't be sinning. But I would miss His best for me. As Oswald Chambers says:
We need to rely on the resurrection life of Jesus on a much deeper level than we do now. We should get in the habit of continually seeking His counsel on everything, instead of making our own commonsense decisions and then asking Him to bless them...When we do something out of a sense of duty, it is easy to explain the reasons for our actions to others. But when we do something out of obedience to the Lord, there can be no other explanation-just obedience. That is why a saint can be so easily ridiculed and misunderstood."
AHHHH yessss. So true.
My path would go like this (right now) "okay Lord, sooooo I'm going to need to hire a nanny or something, and we are going to need to stop this procreating for a while. Probably for about five years. Or, you know, whenever we get back on top of what we want to do. For me, I need more time to modge podge canvases and have coffee dates with my friends. Are they even my friends anymore? I literally never see them. I didn't even mention my best friend, Jonathan, don't you think we would benefit by having no third wheel at night for a while? I mean, surely..........." And on it goes.
Instead The Lord is teaching me to climb with Him to the high places. And quite frankly, I've done this so long now, I realized today that, pain or not, I need to proceed ahead. His plan is best, as evidenced by our life.
Why would I want differently?
I wonder what our son will be like. I get to meet him soon, but The Lord knows him now. What if I had said "more time lord!" Because I did ask The Lord for a few months to just "get some stuff done around the house" last summer, and you know what? We didn't conceive Jack until I prayed and told The Lord that I was desiring pregnancy again. That month, we got pregnant. The Lord is a loving Father. He strengthens me to continue to walk out the path. And He is good to support me in my weaknesses.
He never forces us to know Him more. He doesn't force us to lay down our lives. (Well, if you are a Calvinist you may disagree with that), but regardless, no forcing is happening.
Today I approached The Lord tentatively after a couple of days of "radio silence", to ask Him to show me what was in my heart totally, help me be rid of it totally, and restore the joy of the path we are on.
The Holy Spirit led me to John 16. In he ESV there is a subheading titled "The Work of the Holy Spirit" and then "Your sorrow will turn into joy"
Well hallelujah!!!
Particularly, I found myself stuck on verse 21.
"When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world."
But the author goes on to say "your joy, no one can take from you" (because of the work and place of the Holy Spirit).
Oh thank you. Just enough "light" for today. I have the promise that my joy can not be taken.
I have decided to rejoice today!!!! The joy of The Lord is my strength!!!
"Sing aloud to God our strength; shout for joy to the God of Jacob!" Psalms 81
We always want to be able to say that the very cry of our hearts is "yes Lord! Send us! Use us!" May it be.
P.S. The link to our family video! So in love with it!!! Hope you enjoy it too!
"Whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered." Proverbs 11:25
Today it occurred to me that I adore being with my children. I really enjoy the job of Stay at Home Mom. I don't want anyone else to raise my kids, and I don't want to send them to others to "have a break" during the day. I want to be with them to help shape their interests, thoughts, education, and hearts.
I was very unsure about it even a year ago. I would have moments of "What have I gotten myself into?" and I would stop my mind from going down a trail of thoughts that could only end up negative, instead choosing to guard them and hand them over captively to The Lord: the one who led me here to begin with. Amen.
I can tell you why I wondered or worried.
Motherhood is the ultimate excercise in losing yourself. And, yeah, it's uncomfortable.
There are literally tons and tons of blogs floating around about how much you lose of yourself in order to sacrifice for your child or children. Physically, emotionally, it's a bunch of give give give! You are encouraged to embrace the insanity and just rejoice in the giant pat on the back you should keep giving yourself everyday, day in and day out, because "It is SO not about YOU anymore, and you should be proud that you recognize it! Good job thinking of yourself last, Mom!"
This is so subtly misleading as a new Mom because here's the thing: Where does that newfound selflessness project itself? It has to go somewhere! Onto yourself again? Perhaps. Are you the type that bemoans how much you give and give and give without ever asking for anything in return. Then you struggle there.
But for most, it will project onto your kids. The sun will rise and set on the idol of children, and let me tell you, it's not a worthy place to put your newfound self denial.
There's a difference between serving your children and being subservient to them.
You can tell where you stand when your little rejects your affections, or your teen tells you they hate you. How do you respond? This is the ultimate litmus test for any mother.
If this makes you crumble, if you wonder: now what was all of this for? Where is my value? And even: WHO AM I?!?! You have become subservient. Your happiness will never exist. No matter what you put your value in, your children, your spouse, whatever, it will all prove a let down. That mother you mock whom "just won't let their grown child go"...yeah, that will be you.
Where does your servanthood need to spring from then? From the ultimate servant of man: Jesus.
"For the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many." Mark 10:45
You must take your beautifully painful (and frequent) moments of death to self to The Lord. You must invest in Him and Him alone. You must be a powerful prayer warrior for your children. You must find your value in who He says you are and what HE HAS FOR YOUR FAMILY in order to survive motherhood and a one day empty nest without pledging the depths of your heart to your littles.
Do not give the love that is meant for Christ to anything else.
It's not that you ignore your children, or treat them less than, it's that you have things in proper place. And things in their proper places WORK.
In this, you will reap such a reward in the legacy you lead in front of them, that it will inspire and compel them to live the same. Most of what our children learn is caught rather than taught anyway. You will have children with servant hearts and mature spirits.
What are you throwing out? A love for the Almighty? A desire for His prescence and for His Word? A softness towards the prompting of the Holy Spirit and a reliance on His guidance in day to day life?
Oh help me Jesus to radiate that for my children. My deepest prayer! May my affection for The Lord be so deep and so wide that my children will have to search it to find me. Hallelujah.
"For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another." Galatians 5:13
For You, Lord, are most high above all the earth;
You are exalted far above all gods.
Psalm 97:9
When I found out I was pregnant with our very first child, Vivien, I did what most mothers do. I began this immersion into everything pregnancy related. What to Expect When You are Expecting was read, I began reading every blog Google shot my way, and I soaked it all in. Not only did I read, I talked with lots of mothers that I respected. I interviewed them for the tricks of the trade. At my first precious baby shower I received a copy of Dunsten's Baby Language, which saved our lives with our newborn weeks into her life. My sister in law gave me a copy of The Baby Whisperer which I still adore to this day and have used with all of our children. I recommend both of these resources to others, in fact. I researched cloth diapering and knew the Lord had called us to do that to save money. I became familiar with baby wearing, catch phrases like "Attachment parenting" and "Crying it Out". I was neck deep in all things mommy.
You know the adage "Fail to prepare, prepare to fail"? I definitely took it seriously, and I wouldn't change a lot of it. All of those things aren't bad. Some of them have been valuable resources.
But I want to address something today that has been bothering me. In my immersion of Christian mommy "self helps" I believe a trend has taken place. There is an abundance of Christian material out there for mommies, written by other mommies that promotes a very love and grace heavy type of parenting. I can remember when Vivien was very small, reading ebooks that were just all about reaching the heart of your child. Please don't misunderstand, this idea is not incorrect, but my take away gave me a lot of of unrest about basic discipline, and other forms of instruction. It also was thick with an ideal of "just enjoy your children because you can't have that time back", to which I agreed with in theory, but found myself even months ago saying "I can see overindulgence growing and it is wrong. Someone must take care of the household chores. I cannot sit around reading and crafting all day every day."
In the same vein, I can also quickly point to material that takes a heavy "law" approach. Very rule oriented. There is the shine about it because it promises compliant children. Who doesn't want that?! But thankfully, I could quickly see where the Biblical inconsistencies were and we put those down.
I don't have it all figured out, but what I do know is that grace or law heavy materials in the Christian venue, are both deceptive. They are just another form of deception.
As a new parent, armed with all sorts of information, the Holy Spirit continually pushed me out of situations where I was relying on other mothers (like in online groups), or searching "Dr. Google", and convicted me to pursue the truths in the Word first, middle, and last.
I was always ready with a small excuse for why I must be hearing wrong, because I had grace in those areas. I could see some fruit (good friendships, encouragement, things like that) and I wanted to remain apart. I also would frequently tell the Lord that the "practical information I needed" just wasn't in the Word! HELLLOOO?!
But my convictions wouldn't leave, and the Lord mercifully began to unfold His commitment to guide me through it all, with or without my obedience. As I watched Him work in my life, I willingly and joyfully gave up all of my worldly ties to be tethered faithfully to Him.
And now here I am.
I'm not too far into this, but parenting has become easier. Yeah. I know.
No longer am I wondering "what would someone else advise me to do?" or for heaven's sake "What would a google search yield?" Oh no...I am joyfully receiving my direction from the Spirit of God Himself, who admittedly knows all about me, my life, my children's lives and what ALL OF US NEED.
It's like a huge breath of pure, beautiful fresh air.
I want to be clear that there were some resources (as I mentioned above) that were wonderful. And the Lord gifted them to me from other people. There were many edifying conversations. If I need some quick answers on the symptoms of the common cold, or how to prevent the flu from spreading, Google is a champion. However I needed to have the wisdom to see what was from Him and what was of my own striving and searching. I do not wish to bash any resource, or discredit any friendship, but rather, report on what a wonderful graceful God I serve, that has waited for me to "get all the worldly seeking out of my system" so that I may return to my source unadulterated.
Instead, may I choose to draw so close to the Lord, that He shows me the heart of my children, that He chastens me to speak with His law/grace to them, that He molds my lump of clay into something that He can use since He has given me these children to steward. May He give me keen eyes like He has, to pierce my heart with the knowledge I need. May he give it to all of my mommy friends!!!!
"Seek the Lord, while He may be found,
Call upon Him while He is near."
Isaiah 55:6
"Seek the Lord and his strength; seek His presence continually"
Psalm 105:4
It's a lonely place to be quite honestly. A few "heart friends" will want to know the things the Lord is teaching us, but it's not a "one size fits all" solution. Like any good parent, God is molding us all different to purpose us for our callings. We should be supportive, memorize His Word (how else can we recall it in moments of need?!), and calm our lives to hear His still small voice. Because it is still. It is small.
But His faithfulness to speak: Oh thank you, Jesus. You speak.
"I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth!
He will not let your foot slip-- he who watches over you will not slumber;"
Psalm 121:1-3
If I can grow in my ability to hear from my perfect Creator, teach my children to hear there first, and be faithful to promote His Word to them, I am successfully parenting.
"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:11
My parents had to wait a while to view the "harvest of righteousness and peace" that came from their discipline of me. Now that I am a parent, I get the privilege of changing my attitude about what I thought parenting was before I had children. Hah! But really.
I am enjoying Dr. John Rosemond's books. I find his candor refreshing. I have always respected Dr. Dobson and appreciated any and all of his books, but I am really loving Dr. Rosemond these past few years. He is Biblically sound, and no nonsense. What a breath of fresh air.
I look around and see craziness in my generation when it comes to parenting. It is so overthought. The books, and books, and mountains of boooooks!!! So much of it is psychobabble (have you ever tried reasoning with a two year old? PUHLEASE.) and unfortunately, while having a good "heart" about it, has really led new parents astray. I can't even begin to imagine where this idea that children are born inherently good came from. It's beyond preposterous. The inventor must have literally never met a child.
My parents are probably in the top five people I would consider my best friends. Yeah. They are mentors to my husband and I, and they are very good at it.
I also think that they were the meanest parents ever. But, besides the fact that they aren't perfect, they accomplished the task at hand.
All that to say, I'm writing this to remind myself that the disciplining is hard. And that, contrary to what everyone in my generation wants (for their kids to think they are cool) your kids WILL think you are cool if you are a big fat meanie. It just may take a few years to see the harvest.
I love my children so much, that I don't want them to be spoiled. So help me Lord. I'm counting on that.
-Sarah
"Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain." Philippians 2:14-16
AND
"They murmured in their tents, and did not obey the voice of the Lord." Psalm 106:25
Well now THOSE are some powerful words. I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to look for scripture about whining and complaining today. It's because two of my three children have colds and are teething their molars simultaneously which makes them HUGE WHINERS. To be fair, they are in physical pain, yet the lesson is nonetheless valuable. As I was beginning to start my inner dialogue of "woe is me!", The Holy Spirit gently nudged me.
I haven't been a mother for an extremely long time. About 28 months or so. However, The Lord has been gracious not to hide Himself from me in the practical day to day of my life raising our three 2 and under!
If I am always asking to be changed and to be receptive, He always meets me.
Today it was to remind me of two very powerful things:
-Whining changes me from blameless and innocent to guilty in God's eyes.
-Whining keeps me from obeying God's voice.
OUCH.
I can see how this is so applicable in my own children. Their whining separates us to a degree. They can't heed my instruction. They are so busy dwelling in their struggle that they can't attend to my voice.
It's fact, not frightening, because even in the midst, God does not lose His compassion towards us. And as a mother after God's character for my life too, I am praying I don't lose mine.
How blessed we are to be mothers. Not because motherhood in and of itself is such a feat, it is, but because it gives us such a special place to connect to The Lord. Even my husband won't connect with God's heart and His character the way that motherhood does with me.
What a BLESSING.
I am reminded that the simple things teach us. Thank you, Jesus.
"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 1 Thessalonians 5:18
-Sarah
Baby number four...with you has come our conclusion that starting one big family blog is the way to go. I'll include links to the twin's blog and to Vivien's, but you are ushering in a new era: The era of Efficiency.
I was hoping that we would conceive another baby. Jonathan and I both were. We hope to have more. And from what I understand about families with many kids is that the sooner you adopt a "big family mentality" the better. The Lord knew what He was doing with us.
Jonathan and I took a walk with the kiddos recently and laughed (until there were tears!) about God's perfect will in changing us through our family. When we got married, the biggest reason we knew that we were picking the right person for our lives was because of our willing hearts to be whomever, do whatever, and go wherever the Lord willed. We wanted to be malleable. This quality that we recognize and admire in one another is a foundation for our marriage. Our love and devotion towards Christ. Kids are part of the "whomever" part right now. We are changing so much by serving our family. We're thankful, and we both want to change more. MORE Lord. More of you and your character, more of your Spirit, and less, LESS of us.
Efficiency. So, with a big family mentality came the urgency to become efficient. I have some strengths in this area. So does Jonathan. We can see how a lot of those play into a big family mentality. For instance, Jonathan is very good at the vision. The long term goal. He can see it, and he can implement the strategic plans to make it happen. Financially I feel very secure knowing that we have a plan. Do we iron out the kinks? Of course. Do things change? Sure. But, we have a long term vision. We are efficiently working towards it!
But efficiency is serving a more practical role currently. Namely, efficiency in our home. Yes, we would all be mad as hatters around here if we didn't have the proper home efficiency. This monster is constantly being tweaked, and as I led with, it is what we are tackling now. With number four on the way (Yes, you, sweet boy or girl!), I have aided Daddy with a plan of attack (on paper, the way he likes it *wink*) and I am taking big strides to meet the milestones over the next few months. I am surprised at how quickly this pregnancy is flying. I am halfway through already!
With that halfway mark comes the familiar feelings of the second trimester. Oh! THIS is the time when I can really accomplish a lot! I am not so big that it gets tiring, yet not feeling icky and needing a nap. It's a lovely semester, and I am trying to take advantage of it! Last week I childproofed our kitchen cabinets, and tackled some bigger organization projects. This week, I finished a painting project downstairs and I am halfway done with the girl's room upstairs. Whatever it takes to create a safe environment for four children under the age of three, that is the goal.
In the meantime, I am enjoying being a mom.
Yes, I said it. I am enjoying lazy mornings with my babies. I am enjoying staying in my pajamas way too late (Vivien always reminds me that I need to change clothes and put on my make up while I try to get her to calm down that type A mentality and just snuggle with me for a minute!)
We are trying to reconcile our night owl proclivities with our crack of dawn (or before!) children. Sigh. Don't they understand that sleeping in is the 11th commandment ;)
There is so much I am learning right now. I have never felt more alienated as far as my beliefs, and at the same time never more comfortable and happy. All around me I see confusion, stress, brokenness, fear, and shame. I am thankful that we are not, and that I am not, in that place. I am thankful that Jesus came to stand in my place, to save me from that, and to heal me here through His Word and through His Spirit. It is powerful.
Number four, I feel you making little laps in my belly (I do wonder if the twins left you enough room in there to actually DO laps!) and I am excited to meet you. I'm excited to see your face and to hold you. I'm excited to have you be apart of our family. I'm thankful that the Lord has entrusted us with you, and I want to honor that.
"Teach me your way, LORD, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." Psalm 86:11
We love you Number Four. Can't wait to meet you little bug of ours!
Love, Mommy
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