The big FOUR.
I'm not sure how I got here. I feel like I blinked and we were the six of us.
I'm finally hip to all the nonsense people spout when they see us in public. It's just tacky. Whatever happened to the whole "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"? Now, there is a phrase that could use a comeback!
Okay, the small talk is over...here is what's on my heart (haha!)
When The Lord is bringing something in my life to my attention because it needs to change, a process begins.
First, I notice my irritability. There is an agitation in me that I know isn't because "I haven't spent time in the Word" or "spent time in prayer"...at this phase of my relationship, I am desirous for his presence, so these things are constant. Prayer is a lifelong conversation with the Almighty...and it isn't always me talking. Ya dig?
Secondly, I can't shake it. So I get a little stubborn about it. I start to muse on what "it" is. I grow weary of my weakness in my flesh, and I get quiet with The Lord. I know I do. It's not pretty, I'm just admitting it. I am calling this "radio silence". I go quiet with Him.
Then, surrender. I can only do that quiet nonsense for so long, ya know? Usually two days tops, but the dam cracks and I begin, "I am lost. Help me. It's painful to die to me. Forgive me for running the last couple of days, but it hurts. I know you have something better...can you help me with it?"
Finally, my reply from The Lord. Always loving, gentle, filled with peace, comforting, powerful, and probably my favorite: lasting.
This time I am speaking from the struggle I have just had with the surrender of our family at this point.
GASP!!!
I finally allowed myself to say to The Lord (because of my agitation) that I was nervous and anxious about the next child coming.
GASP AGAIN!!!
No, but really, having three littles has been a lot for us. There is selfishness and personal desire that aren't healthy people...it's gotta go. Which is always really rad, and we wouldn't change it. We have seen The Lord beautifully go before us, so it is with joy that I approach motherhood most of the time.
I guess I am just admitting that my joy turned to anxiousness, and I haaaaaaate it. It was hard for me to admit it to The Lord even. In my own strength, I would say "oh yes! Bring it on! Ha Ha Ha!", but The Lord continually humbles me as He shows me gracefully where I desperately need Him in this.
Perhaps you have heard me say that we have a fragile ecosystem around here?
Will #4, another little, be enough to upset it in ways that I won't be able to handle?
I trust The Lord for our life. When He asked me to walk this way, I (we!) said "yes!", but on a lifelong journey, there are miles that make you question where you are being led.
If I could do all of this in my own strength, there would be no glory to God for it. Therefore I would most likely be walking out MY PATH in life. NOT HIS.
HOW FRIGHTENING. I wouldn't be sinning. But I would miss His best for me. As Oswald Chambers says:
We need to rely on the resurrection life of Jesus on a much deeper level than we do now. We should get in the habit of continually seeking His counsel on everything, instead of making our own commonsense decisions and then asking Him to bless them...When we do something out of a sense of duty, it is easy to explain the reasons for our actions to others. But when we do something out of obedience to the Lord, there can be no other explanation-just obedience. That is why a saint can be so easily ridiculed and misunderstood."
AHHHH yessss. So true.
My path would go like this (right now) "okay Lord, sooooo I'm going to need to hire a nanny or something, and we are going to need to stop this procreating for a while. Probably for about five years. Or, you know, whenever we get back on top of what we want to do. For me, I need more time to modge podge canvases and have coffee dates with my friends. Are they even my friends anymore? I literally never see them. I didn't even mention my best friend, Jonathan, don't you think we would benefit by having no third wheel at night for a while? I mean, surely..........." And on it goes.
Instead The Lord is teaching me to climb with Him to the high places. And quite frankly, I've done this so long now, I realized today that, pain or not, I need to proceed ahead. His plan is best, as evidenced by our life.
Why would I want differently?
I wonder what our son will be like. I get to meet him soon, but The Lord knows him now. What if I had said "more time lord!" Because I did ask The Lord for a few months to just "get some stuff done around the house" last summer, and you know what? We didn't conceive Jack until I prayed and told The Lord that I was desiring pregnancy again. That month, we got pregnant. The Lord is a loving Father. He strengthens me to continue to walk out the path. And He is good to support me in my weaknesses.
He never forces us to know Him more. He doesn't force us to lay down our lives. (Well, if you are a Calvinist you may disagree with that), but regardless, no forcing is happening.
Today I approached The Lord tentatively after a couple of days of "radio silence", to ask Him to show me what was in my heart totally, help me be rid of it totally, and restore the joy of the path we are on.
The Holy Spirit led me to John 16. In he ESV there is a subheading titled "The Work of the Holy Spirit" and then "Your sorrow will turn into joy"
Well hallelujah!!!
Particularly, I found myself stuck on verse 21.
"When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world."
But the author goes on to say "your joy, no one can take from you" (because of the work and place of the Holy Spirit).
Oh thank you. Just enough "light" for today. I have the promise that my joy can not be taken.
I have decided to rejoice today!!!! The joy of The Lord is my strength!!!
"Sing aloud to God our strength; shout for joy to the God of Jacob!" Psalms 81
We always want to be able to say that the very cry of our hearts is "yes Lord! Send us! Use us!" May it be.
P.S. The link to our family video! So in love with it!!! Hope you enjoy it too!
"Whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered." Proverbs 11:25
Today it occurred to me that I adore being with my children. I really enjoy the job of Stay at Home Mom. I don't want anyone else to raise my kids, and I don't want to send them to others to "have a break" during the day. I want to be with them to help shape their interests, thoughts, education, and hearts.
I was very unsure about it even a year ago. I would have moments of "What have I gotten myself into?" and I would stop my mind from going down a trail of thoughts that could only end up negative, instead choosing to guard them and hand them over captively to The Lord: the one who led me here to begin with. Amen.
I can tell you why I wondered or worried.
Motherhood is the ultimate excercise in losing yourself. And, yeah, it's uncomfortable.
There are literally tons and tons of blogs floating around about how much you lose of yourself in order to sacrifice for your child or children. Physically, emotionally, it's a bunch of give give give! You are encouraged to embrace the insanity and just rejoice in the giant pat on the back you should keep giving yourself everyday, day in and day out, because "It is SO not about YOU anymore, and you should be proud that you recognize it! Good job thinking of yourself last, Mom!"
This is so subtly misleading as a new Mom because here's the thing: Where does that newfound selflessness project itself? It has to go somewhere! Onto yourself again? Perhaps. Are you the type that bemoans how much you give and give and give without ever asking for anything in return. Then you struggle there.
But for most, it will project onto your kids. The sun will rise and set on the idol of children, and let me tell you, it's not a worthy place to put your newfound self denial.
There's a difference between serving your children and being subservient to them.
You can tell where you stand when your little rejects your affections, or your teen tells you they hate you. How do you respond? This is the ultimate litmus test for any mother.
If this makes you crumble, if you wonder: now what was all of this for? Where is my value? And even: WHO AM I?!?! You have become subservient. Your happiness will never exist. No matter what you put your value in, your children, your spouse, whatever, it will all prove a let down. That mother you mock whom "just won't let their grown child go"...yeah, that will be you.
Where does your servanthood need to spring from then? From the ultimate servant of man: Jesus.
"For the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many." Mark 10:45
You must take your beautifully painful (and frequent) moments of death to self to The Lord. You must invest in Him and Him alone. You must be a powerful prayer warrior for your children. You must find your value in who He says you are and what HE HAS FOR YOUR FAMILY in order to survive motherhood and a one day empty nest without pledging the depths of your heart to your littles.
Do not give the love that is meant for Christ to anything else.
It's not that you ignore your children, or treat them less than, it's that you have things in proper place. And things in their proper places WORK.
In this, you will reap such a reward in the legacy you lead in front of them, that it will inspire and compel them to live the same. Most of what our children learn is caught rather than taught anyway. You will have children with servant hearts and mature spirits.
What are you throwing out? A love for the Almighty? A desire for His prescence and for His Word? A softness towards the prompting of the Holy Spirit and a reliance on His guidance in day to day life?
Oh help me Jesus to radiate that for my children. My deepest prayer! May my affection for The Lord be so deep and so wide that my children will have to search it to find me. Hallelujah.
"For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another." Galatians 5:13
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