“Blessed are the single-hearted, for they shall enjoy much peace. If you refuse to be hurried and pressed, if you stay your soul on God, nothing can keep you from that clearness of spirit which is life and peace. In that stillness you will know what His will is.”
-Amy Carmichael
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Last night as I was about to fall asleep, The Lord spoke to me. He (not audibly, just in my mind) said "Go check the doors."
Because I knew it was Him, and not my own thoughts, I slowly got up and went to the garage door. Locked. Front door? Not only was it unlocked, it was actually AJAR. The air sort of escaped my lungs at the shock of seeing it there open at midnight, and I scanned my mind thinking "how did this happen?" I could only recall leaving through the front door once all day, and it was ME. The door is too heavy and awkward for the kids to open.
So I locked it, retreated to our bed and whispered to an almost asleep Jonathan what had just happened. He retorted something sweetly sassy, an offering of thanks to God for the heads up, and we drifted off. I laid awake to ponder it some, and this morning woke with a fresh thankfulness in His faithfulness in moments like those.
One of the most frequent comments people offer up at the sight of our little crew (after declaring their inability to attempt having many children!), is that God must have made me a special mother (or something weird like that.) And while I agree, I don't think it is anything that He wouldn't do for any woman. While He does have different things for us in life, having children is not an unclear topic in the Word. The reason God asks us to go forth and have many children is because it changes us to be more like Him. We understand His heart better. We embrace and over time, come to know joy like a deep flowing wellspring in our lives because HE does the work. Very little in life affords us this opportunity like having many children does. It FORCES you to make the decisions that align with God's heart in matters. It's a beautiful thing. Beautiful, beautiful thing. The more you give up, the more you get. Oh, Jesus, thank you.
Practically, having a lot of children makes you stop losing your mind over the control. If it's one thing I see over and over, it's the need for control. Having many forces you to trust Jesus for the lives and well being of your children. He gave them to us, so I naturally turn right around and offer that back to Him, amen? Father, your will, not my own. Give me ears to hear what to do, and I will do it.
This is essentially what led us to making some changes in our lives to acquire those ears. About six months ago I made my life, our life, the most quiet it's ever been. I know, with four children and one on the way, how can my life be quiet, right? It's quiet from the wrong noise.
I was weary of the discussions online, the places in which my passions for the truth of God were not received had tired me, and I realized through a course of events that my time had become my most valuable asset, and my world needed to shrink. Besides, using a God given gift wrongly is about the same as just not using it at all. Wasteful.
It was a bit painful, because I genuinely miss a great deal of people and the sort of connectedness I could experience, but it has encouraged me to forge more authentic relationships with a few, instead of shallow relationships with many. And now that I am this far, I don't want to go back.
Most importantly I was ready to spend even more time with the Lord. Those ears, Lord. I want to hear. And I can see how He has honored that.
It's a discipline. That relationship that is so comfortable that you want to spend time with them constantly? Most of us can only say that about a spouse. Potentially a life long friend? It's a small opening, and I wanted the Lord to fill it.
Getting time to meditate on His precepts, and to study His Word is a blessing. A life changing, intimate, blessing. It's sweet like honey. I had tasted His leading the past four years in a new way, as a mother, but I was ready for it to be more.
Perhaps I am the only one who gets so distracted by things that I can't hear the still, small voice? But the Word says that His voice is "still, and small." How counter cultural our God is. Our world wants "FAST, AND BIG!" Louder, says the masses! But our Lord is not in the business of conforming to the world.
So you must live as God's obedient children. Don't slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn't know any better then. But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy. For the Scriptures say, "You must be holy because I am holy."
I Peter 1:14-16
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| dandelion picking in the new backyard. |
Some of the things my children do irritate me more than other things, and of course I am working through those accordingly. A couple of months ago I was out in the back yard with my husband and father working on a few yard projects. We were chopping down some trees, actually, but when we were through there, the shovels came out and I turned to my father to ask him what I could do next. He said, "Don't bother to dig, Sarah. It's mud, it's too heavy, and your husband and I will handle it." With that he turned and walked away.
So, as I watched his back headed towards our home to retrieve something else out of the workshop, I grabbed the shovel up off the ground and stuck it deep into the wet ground. Pushing with my foot, the Holy Spirit whispered to me "You didn't listen to your father. You had to see for yourself. And this is the very same behavior that drives you crazy in your Evelyn." I laughed out of surprise, and shock.
Oh dear. Here I am, 33 years old, and I didn't obey my dad. I know my father! He wasn't trying to hurt me. He was just telling me the truth: I'm pregnant, and not the right person to be digging up the soil in our backyard. That's for the men! He wasn't even cruel about it, he just told me the truth. Yet, I had to try it myself. My heart softened toward my daughter in a new way that day, a way that only the very Spirit of God can work.
I used to tell the teenage crowds that I would educate on sex that there are two types of people: Those who can hear the experiences of others and learn, and those who had to do things themselves.
Sigh.
It's not shocking that our children are sinners. Good heavens. It's not even shocking that they repeat our sin. I guess I just wish I knew some way to reach that. I'm working on it. And I'm thankful to the Lord for showing me these things in His great effort to continue to mold me into the mother, and woman that He wants me to be. More love, more grace, more holiness. They all work together.
We miss God's biggest blessings when we satisfy our own desires. I am convinced that those desires are generally not bad, they are just not God's best.
I'll give you an example. We have lived here for almost four months now and still haven't purchased a particular piece of furniture for our main living area. I couldn't find exactly what I was looking for, but a few pieces came and went as close to what I was looking for.
After all this time, I had grown to look at the spot in the room, that needed something to cover the once open wall now just boarded, with a bit of dismay. How could anything ever look right? A few days ago, Uncle Scott brought home the perfect piece for us...for free.
I could have purchased something a few times over the past few months, but by waiting on the Lord and just offering it up to Him and His timing, we received not only the sweet blessing of the right piece (it fits perfect!), but also at the right price.
And it has been that way with so many things. The very home we live in is the embodiment of this concept. If we try to solve it first, or get impatient and get ahead of God, we will still probably end up with something good, something that works. But if we wait on Him, and offer it all up to Him, we get the fullness of His plan.
I don't want second best. I want all of His perfect best will.
So then I continue to turn down the noise, the funky stuff, the waste of time, instead choosing to pursue the will of the One who knows it all, and certainly knows me better than myself (See Psalm 139!) Please understand that it is an act of self sacrifice, and of self denial. If you don't practice those two things daily, then like Amy Carmichael once said "You know nothing of Calvary's love". She's right. Painfully so, but right nonetheless.
Oh Lord, I love you. Thank you for helping me be more like you. I want all of the other stuff out, and everything that is your best and perfect will here. And continue to help me understand the sacrificial love that you gave, and the humility that is required to be a servant of the Most High.
All my love,
Sarah
