The beginning of your life of faith was very narrow and intense, centered around a small amount of experience that had as much emotion as faith in it, and it was full of light and sweetness. Then God withdrew His conscious blessings to teach you to “walk by faith” (2 Corinthians 5:7). And you are worth much more to Him now than you were in your days of conscious delight with your thrilling testimony.
-Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest, Oct. 31
Oh my.
This is true. This is so very true. It was like thunder clapped as I read this today. The beginning of my life of faith was very narrow and intense. It did center around my conversion experience which, being so very dramatic, was like being covered in mud and diving in a cool, clear blue sea. So much light. So much sweetness. Everything was beautiful because "I once was blind, but now I see!"
There did become a period of years in my life in which God was indeed taking care of me, but it wasn't prosperously. I was really having to dwell at his feet to get through each day. There was so much JOY though. I was JOYFUL to be without. I was ecstatic to live by faith for each week of food, for each legitimate need (and even wants!) to be met. I was ready to be hammered, molded, shaped, painful or not, to be more like my Jesus. God was working out His ways in me. Molding me, teaching me to rely on Him and Him alone. It was beautiful. The more I would empty myself, the more He would fill. I became so reliant on His guidance, that I never looked to the right or left. Only to my Father, eagerly soaking up every lesson He taught. I shared my testimony many times a week, with anyone who would hear. It was as much of a healing exercise to me as it was to encourage another. In your deepest, darkest hour, God knows. Submit to Him, He will rescue you.
"Because she loves me, I will rescue her" Psalm 91:14
One of my life verses.
And now I read that last sentence, "You are worth much more to Him now than you were in your days of conscious delight with your thrilling testimony."
I frequently see groups of people that theologically promote the idea that "you have to do something big for God." or that you "have to unlock what God's plan is for your life." It seems harmless enough, but I think it's lasting consequences are damaging. You see, I have never "unlocked God's plan for my life." I just loved my God, and He brought (is bringing) "the plan". They that seek those things, seek the gifts, and many times, not the giver. If that is in fact true, what happens is guilt in the life of the believer. Unrest. Confusion. It's complication of something simple.
Do you know what God's plan is? It is to walk humbly with Him, allowing Him to bring all you need. He says it in scripture! Be joyful always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances, be sanctified. All of these can be found in 1 Thessalonians. Do your best to work unto the Lord, but He will never confuse you or hide from you. Can you be faithful in the little things, faithful in the process of your sanctification? For me, it's "Can I be faithful in loving my husband, raising up Godly children, loving others, just by living at the feet of the Lord?" I mean, I don't know about you, but that's enough of a task for a lifetime. I don't need to also move to another country, or go to seminary, or save the world. Not that any of those things are bad. Intrinsically, they are all good, but they are not all good for all of us.
What is your passion? That's probably what God has called you to do. And if you think that your passion is misplaced, allow Him to penetrate your heart with the Word, and wait on Him to bring what you should do.
Being in relationship with Jesus is not hard. It is hard in the sense that you have to fight for it. But what great relationship doesn't have a deep seated message of loyalty at its core? That's what we all want.
I am troubled when I see folks struggling with this. Overcomplicating the simple. If you can't hear from the Lord, perhaps its because you haven't learned your Master's communication with you. I would suggest slowing down your life. It's the single most important thing I ever did to continue to be in a meaningful relationship with Jesus.
My children know me. They know what it means to be in relationship with me because they spend every waking moment with me. This is how we should be with our Father.
That last sentence. "And you are worth much more to Him now than you were in your days of conscious delight with your thrilling testimony." It was such great encouragement for me. I live in the quiet now. I am not behind a podium speaking to crowds. I dwell in a little home with my children that the Lord has given me. And I love that. And it's the most wonderful thing to be able to persevere through the strength of my Father in this way. I feel more connected to Him, to his Heart, then I ever have.
Faith by its very nature must be tested and tried. And the real trial of faith is not that we find it difficult to trust God, but that God’s character must be proven as trustworthy in our own minds. Faith being worked out into reality must experience times of unbroken isolation. Never confuse the trial of faith with the ordinary discipline of life, because a great deal of what we call the trial of faith is the inevitable result of being alive. Faith, as the Bible teaches it, is faith in God coming against everything that contradicts Him— a faith that says, “I will remain true to God’s character whatever He may do.” The highest and the greatest expression of faith in the whole Bible is— “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him” (Job 13:15).
"The inevitable result of being alive"
You mean, just living and working and trusting? Yes. Just abiding. Like the branch and the vine.
And that final sentence. That is why life is worth living. Once you can say that with certainty, "Though He slay me, yet I will trust Him." You can't get His plan for your life wrong. He is trustworthy. Be blessed in the way that He uses you. Be mindful that you never take credit for His Glory in your life, and wait on your Father to lead.
I don't even know where to begin.
I haven't written for a few months because we are in upheaval right now. Most of our life is in boxes on pause while we wait for all the parts to come together to get settled in, what will hopefully be, our forever home. We have an offer on a place, and we are waiting for a short sale to be approved. We only want to live there if it is what the Lord has for us, but I am hopeful that this home will be it. If not, it's okay. We trust the Lord.
The transition times would be a lot harder I think, if I hadn't already embraced the idea that I have to wait. I am happy to report that I can see the way the Lord has matured this in me. Hallelujah! I'm not so emotional about the hold. I do not fret, or worry, I understand that just as I frequently tell our children to "Practice your patience", so I am in a spot where the Lord is saying (yet again) "Practice your patience."
And I am.
I mean, right now our rowing machine is about twelve inches from my desk chair, and yesssss I had to do a little wiggle to get into the chair, but it's kind of...fun...in a weird way, to just embrace the chaotic right now. I'm indulging in the messiness, and in the fellowship with my children. I hope it doesn't change. We are reading together (and twins, you are learning to sit still!), we are going out in public more, attempting fellowship with friends, and close to starting our first shot at homeschooling! It's been a lot of fun, and it seems that I may be getting a good exercise in what's important, so I'll put it in the bank!
We took our first family vacation two weeks ago. I wouldn't have ever dreamed that it would be as smooth as it was. We had a blast! Like a legitimate blast. I found myself chuckling at the fact that I am the mom. I mean, I can remember most of our family vacations, and here I was taking on the Mom role, not a role of a participant, but the leader. I felt that way in the move. I was no longer on lifting duty, I had graduated to director of goods, making sure everything had its spot was my chief task!
I also made sure Jonathan took at least one photo of our time in the sand. It was so nice to just play as a family. The beach in October may actually be my new favorite family vacation! It was just so fun!
So here I am, realizing that it's time to update our family's journal and, all kidding aside, so pleased at the groove we have found.
You kids will frequently sing Mr. Roger's Potato Bug Opera, in particular the refrain "Potato bugs groove, potato bugs groove, potato bugs groove, groove, groove!"
I smile to myself because by his definition we are in a little potato bug season. We are in a groove, sweet things! I am seeing much fruit around here. There is quite a lot of obedience coming forth, which encourages me in my attempts to hit grace and law equally. As a lover of God's Word, and a person that lives for truth in love, I continually try to hit the bullseye in discernment on everyday parenting challenges. It is the single most important thing I need to do. There is no love without law, and there is no love without grace. I don't always get it right, but I do more than wrong. "I praise you, Jesus. You are the One I praise in this!" I am seeing a really good harvest of what we have tried to sow faithfully.
All of you have your moments of disagreement or of selfishness, but generally a kind word and a redirection eases those instances. In your defiance, and with three we get at least a few moments a day, we correct swiftly with love and law. I also see that you know that I mean what I say. YAY! I have apparently proven myself as a mother who means what she says will happen because 9 times out of 10, if I state the consequence before you act disobedient (in the car or out in public for example, preempting what I know you little rascals will do), you won't do it. You know that I will levy your punishment. I'm very thankful, as it has really united us as a family. We are all on the same page. I'm so thankful for the perseverance in this!!! Sometimes it's hard to stop and handle discipline. Sigh. I'd rather not. But I know that I don't love you rightly if I ignore this.
Even without a routine you all have been able to follow the lead of our parenting, and that has filled my heart to the brim and overflowing. It spurs me on to continue to lead with love and conviction. I can get your heart's attentions and you will give me your raw emotions as well as your submission. I can't imagine a better situation to be in. The three of you are blessing me right now, and encouraging me to persevere in what the Lord has called us to do: to have more!
I frequently encounter people who like to make a crack about our insanity in having all of you (and wanting more!) and it pains me that your little ears hear that. Why would someone talk over my children's heads about their non worth? Tacky. But as you get older, it will provoke good conversation in our family, and be our prooftext in God's faithfulness. If He has a plan and a call, He will carry us through it victoriously as we practice obedience to Him. And isn't that what is happening with you little ones? God is showing Himself to you in your security of home, and in your place in our family, in a solid foundation, because of your obedience to your parents?
I am continually impressed with the way He shows His attributes to us in the area of parenting. No life endeavor has taught me more about God then parenting. And since I know that I am, that we are ultimately your association with who God is, I take it very seriously. I want to live as close to His heart in order to lead yours there.
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