"Shall I bring to the point of birth and not cause to bring forth?” says the LORD; “shall I, who cause to bring forth, shut the womb?” says your God. -Isaiah 66:9
The first week of April, I started feeling the pangs of early labor. It was two seperate nights, and I didn't get my hopes up. If anything, I figured I would go to my estimated due date: April 16th.
Both times labor started and stopped. I think it's called prodromal labor, and I was in it. April 14th rolled around and it had become sort of funny that I was still pregnant. All the sayings about third pregnancies coming earlier and not a one of them true. I went in that Monday morning to meet with my midwife and have an ultrasound. I had been measuring big most of my pregnancy, so either my dates were wrong, or I was having a big baby.
Monday morning, after my ultrasound, the tech announced that her measurements predicted an 11lb 1oz baby!!!!!! Jonathan and she talked about head circumference briefly and we headed to another room to meet with my midwife.
Ronda was super positive. She asked me my feelings on the estimated weight, asked me what my ideal labor situation looked like, and we talked over the margin of error on the ultrasound. Jonathan and I decided that we would give natural labor a try and see, and before I left, I happily consented to a membrane sweep. We did talk about the possibility of a cesarean, should he have problems descending, even in natural labor, and I felt like I was in great hands should that happen.
Within an hour I was crampy and feeling "those pangs". Jonathan's employers threw us a shower directly after our appointment, and I welcomed the distraction. I tried, successfully, not to get my hopes up...this labor thing can really drag on, and I was alert to how I had embraced patience, thanking The Lord for the work He was doing in my heart as I prayed for more. Don't get me wrong, I was excited about meeting Jack, but to me, one day or one week wasn't making a huge difference. He would come when he was ready, and when The Lord called Him forth. No one knows why a baby comes? I do. Because The Lord says "now." that's why.
That evening labor picked up and we spent about four hours in a contraction pattern. I knew I was in early labor, but because we had talked about how big Jack was, and the possibility of a fast progression for me based on my birth history, I was starting to feel uneasy about entering active labor away from a hospital.
We decided to go in. I could relax knowing that someone was nearby should anything go wrong or go quick, and I knew there was a possibility they would send me home, but Jonathan and I opted to risk it.
In triage, I met the nasty nurse that I hadn't seen since Vivien's birth. I couldn't believe it. She literally said to me "Well, what brings you here?" TO MATERNITY ASSESSMENT. The plaque on your door says Maternity Assessment. That's why I am here. Uuuuuuggggghhhhh. She made me cry the first time I met her, and low and behold, she had me crying again at the end of this visit!!!!!! She and one of my doctors both were given my explanation: That I was uncomfortable progressing at home and would rather be at the hospital. Didn't matter. They asked me to go home (I was only 2cm), that my labor was probably false (THE NERVE!!!!), and would I take some drugs that night to calm down (Ummmm, no.)
We went home around 1am. Jonathan got some sleep (he was going to be getting up with the kiddos) and I tried to rest intermittenly as I labored. I cried on and off and spent the wee hours of that morning with The Lord. "Why was I feeling fearful now?!" The staff I had seen that night were so negative. Discouraging. I cried out to the Lord to speak to me in the midst of all of the reports I had received that day. "Big baby", "Not in real labor", these things had me off kilter and I was losing my peace to just wait expectantly. Through my tears, and through my broken prayers, I heard the Holy Spirit prompt me this: "Shall I bring to the point of birth and not deliver?" I had no idea where I had read that, but I looked it up and took comfort in reading the verse in its entirety. Earlier that evening as I had labored in my living room, I saw the tail end of the 1 Corinthians 15:58 verse on our wall jump out at me "...your labor is not in vain." Although out of context, those two things that evening gave me supernatural strength.
After a long few hours, I felt emotionally and spiritually resolute. And I finally was able to physically relax after I took two tylenol and a bath somewhere around 6:30am.
I woke up, went to the bathroom and said goodbye to my plug (in one piece), knowing that I was definitely progressing (take that, you jerk nurse!), ate some breakfast, and napped on and off for the day spending time with my family as I could. It was such a nice day. My mom came over that afternoon and we talked a bit about relationship with The Lord. Funny enough, the first real thing I ever asked her about The Lord was how to love Him. As a new adult Christian, I couldn't understand that idea, but I wanted to. To me, He wasn't tangible, so how could I be in relationship with Him. Here she and I were years later talking about relationship versus "Why?"
She mentioned noticing how often people go there first: "Why, Lord?" they need or want an explanation for whatever is occurring. I immediately could relate that to my toddlers. They want the answer to "Why?" all the time. The truth is, that is a rudimentary approach. We talked over the importance of just walking through things with The Lord just because you are delighting in the relationship with Him. This put a label on what I had been experiencing the week (and especially day) before, and I was anxious to be able to nail down the concept. I was enjoying just walking through it with Him. It was much better than any "Why?" answer ever would have been.
Feeling refreshed, I had a quick conversation with my midwives that evening, who wanted to see me in the morning to reevaluate.
Wednesday morning I was 5cm, and on the precipice of active labor. I could feel that portion of labor trying to set in before we left for my very early appointment, but I knew changing locations would probably hold it all at bay...which it did...so, I wasn't surprised to hear I was that progressed.
She wished me luck and sent me over to check in at Kennestone. Everything was different this time. We were "in the flow", which was obvious by our amazing nurse and on call staff. Kristin asked me from the get go if I would like to labor in my clothes and just let her check baby's heartbeat every once in a while. YES. We chit chatted a bit and I found out she was a twin herself and from a large family. We all got along very well! It took me a couple of hours, but active labor set in and I began using my Bradley Method relaxation techniques in the hospital bed. Moving around was soooo uncomfortable once I hit that active labor phase, so Jonathan sat next to me and read over 20 chapters from the Psalms. It is one of the most memorable things we have ever done together, and it will be recorded as one of the most peaceful and empowering moments in our lives.
My last labor saw a moderate to fast time in active labor, so I wasn't sure what to expect. My water hadn't broken and we were all looking for that to happen naturally, hoping that would be a great sign on Jack's progress down through my pelvis.
I was studied on positions for helping a big baby move through the pelvis. We were ready to implement whatever we could, and my midwife gave me all the space I needed. The staff ran a bath for me at the hospital when I was still in active labor. It was only midafternoon, I had been there for about four hours, and I was feeling the need to start moving again. My body was done relaxing through contractions. Now I felt the need to start undressing, feeling lots of pressure below, and I wanted to labor on my side with my pelvis more "open" ;)
I did that until it was no longer comfortable, moving to an elevated all fours position, where I could rock my pelvis to help the head descend. I had so much pressure below, but not pushing pressure. It was almost a fake "I need to push" pressure. My water broke on its own.
I moved to transition, starting to feel the contractions on top of one another, but my cervix wasn't dilating on the natural progression scale anymore. The doctor on call and my midwife had come in early afternoon to talk to me about what it would look like if they were concerned that Jack was too big, but I was surprised when it all started happening. I labored in transition like state for over an hour, immense, immense pain, but it felt wrong. I started feeling my focus drop with every compounding contraction that didn't result in his head moving. I had been -1 station for hours. He wasn't moving down. I was opening up, but it didn't matter.
Patti, my midwife, is like crazy hippie crunchy. She would have caught that baby if I was standing on top of the bed. She even was guiding my movements at the end, hoping to help get him out! She was way supportive of what we were trying to acheive, so when I saw her face saying "He's not going to come this way." I trusted her 100%.
At that point I was angry to be contracting. I knew the "anger during transition" feeling, I had it with the twins and I will never forget it. Hah! Once we decided no more laboring, I was desperate in my mind to turn off these meaningless contractions. For me, labroing is doable because it's so purposeful. Without purpose, I was BEYOND over it!!!!! Something in me said to turn head down into the fold of the hospital bed with my behind up, anything to take the pressure that was raging against my uncooperative body every single contraction.
All of the sudden I was taking off all the metal on my body. Earrings, rings, my coobie has a bit of metal- it all had to come off, immediately. My eyes were closed, trying to suffer through the insanely strong contractions that were unbearable. In that position, there was a small ounce of relief, and I took it, even as I knew I looked insane being wheeled down the hall for an emergency C. I never opened my eyes once. I just listened to everyone's voices, their thoughts outloud. I heard my husband's questions and the calm in his voice kept me at peace too, but The Lord was with me, and I was sure we were making the right decision too.
In the OR, my doctor checked me once more to make sure nothing had changed. Eyes shut tight, I kept yelling for drugs. I was tired of feeling this bowling ball hitting me from the inside!!! I heard a nurse yell "Whats wrong with her?!" (Not joking) and the woman I had not yet set my sight on who was holding me down screamed back "She's NATURAL!!!" Everyone was frantic to get me calmed down. I was yelling "No, nooooo!" as the pain would just split up through my middle, and there were only seconds of relief between episodes. A nurse appeared in front of me with a little disposable creamer sized cup and asked me to drink it. "I can't drink that!!!!", I yelled, and she said, "Uhhhh, the patient refuses to drink [the stuff]" I replied, "I WILL drink it, but I am having a contraction!!!!!" It relented, I chugged it down and threw the container.
The anathesiologist sauntered in. I cracked my eyes for my first glimpse into the bright room. I was completely nude, writhing on a table, and he says "I remember you! The twins!" And someone told him yes. Then they said "She's natural!" again and he cracked, "How's that working for ya?" I would have laughed, but instead I yelled, "You have one minute to get that in me before I have another contraction." As he started prepping, the questions came, and my husband answered them for me. I felt the big piece of sticky plastic affix and I knew it would be over soon. I couldn't sit still, another one was here, and the nurse asked me to just squeeze her as hard as I needed in order to sit still. I grabbed her puffy arms and dug in with my nails, trying to forget about the pain between my legs!
As soon as the spinal released into my body, I morphed from a squealing piglet, to a dead fish on that table. It was pure bliss.
I apologized profusely to everyone in the room, and they all giggled at me and my attitude change. We had a little laugh and then Jonathan and I really started a sweet time of connection together as they all worked to get me ready. We peacefully held hands, and I looked into my husband's eyes. He was brimming with tears, but certain we were executing the right move. I was too.
Dr. Simmons pulled Jack out, and all I heard were squeals from all of the women in the room, "Look how BIG HE IS!!!" and I choked out a sob. I couldn't wait to see him and hear how big he was! Dr. Simmons said, "Oh Sarah, there was no way he was coming out vaginally!" And I trusted her, and was thankful for her.
We all laughed when his first cry sounded like a toddler's cry, and Jonathan instantly yelled out, "Our son, Toddler Jack!" which everyone laughed over for a while. The nurses didn't need to clean him, he was fully pink, and he was a 9 on his APGAR. On his head was about a three inch ruddy dent where he had been hitting my pelvis with every contraction. He showered the women working on him, almost immediately, with a ton of urine. Everyone laughed! And then, we weren't surprised at the announcement of 10lbs 13oz!!! Dr. Simmons said, "Gold star goes to our ultrasound tech who missed it by only 4 ounces!"
The recovery from the drugs pumped into me was uncharted territory. Being back in our room, the nurse placed Jack on my chest for some skin to skin time and a first attempt at nursing, and I was alarmed for my inability to hold him or nurse him. Quite frankly, if he had been my first, I think I would have called in quits with the nursing thing. It was TOUGH at that moment. I was really shaky and cold, numb, tingly, all sorts of things I had never felt before. And Jack looked about as startled as I was.
I was nervous to hold him as we went upstairs to a recovery room, feeling like I might drop him. I was so numb, but we made it. Our family came in right away and I was excited for them to be there. We had never had a day birth really, and it was nice! The staff gave us an extra hour to visit, and when everyone left, we gave nursing a shot again.
Jack felt so tense to me. I had this desire to hold him until he relaxed. I still do. I have been holding him, and loving on him, sleeping next to him (GASP!), and it has been helping both of us recover. We went through something really deep, he and I, and it has been good for me too.
I have had three vaginal deliveries. Patti, just minutes after my C section, came to comfort me (I think), because she said "You looked great, you'll be able to have as many VBACs as you would like, don't worry!" At the time, I thought the information somewhat useless, I was really in my head about the whole thing. But now, I am thankful for that little card she put in my back pocket. It's been nice not to think about that even potentially being a big deal going forward. I'm thankful for that, and I know The Lord used her in this experience. I'll be thankful to hug her next this Friday, and thank her myself.
A word about Cesareans. Ummmmmmmm. I know I labored before mine, so my recovery has been really rough, but even if it normally isn't this bad- say you avoid labor with a scheduled section- I will never feel like any less of a mother for having had Jack this way, and neither should you.
I have read, or heard so many women offer up regrets after a Cesarean. A lot of them haven't experienced a vaginal birth, so there isn't an ability to compare, just a regret that "you couldn't". At the risk of sounding one sided, you should get a superhero's CAPE. Forget a push present. A CAPE. WITH YOUR NAME ON IT. You COURAGEOUS WOMAN. You have offered up your body as a sacrifice for your child, and you have undergone major surgery to have that beautiful thing here. Vaginal birth, yes, it is a miraculous and hard thing to do. I know. But the C-section and recovery is NOT A JOKE. I would rather have FIVE vaginal births than recover from another one of these again. It's BRUTAL. Way to go, mommy. WAY TO GO.
I looked up the procedures for my situation, and was affirmed in my midwife's knowledge and execution. I was also so thankful for the advancements we have made in practicing medicine. 100 years ago, if a baby was stuck, there were two options: Mommy's pelvis is smashed and baby potentially lives, (mommy may die), OR baby's skull is smashed and baby arrives dead, Mommy lives. Oh how greatful we should be to live in a time and place where this sort of ending is avoided.
The Lord has been so good to me in this whole experience. He sustained me while I labored, the most peaceful, purposeful labor to the end that I have ever had. I loved it. I loved communing with Him. I loved naturally laboring. I will welcome it in the future, as I lean on The Lord to walk me through it. And He was with me when we had an immediate change of course. Only He was with me in a different way. Abiding in Him meant it was easy for me to release my hold on His hand, and instead be held in His arms as Jack was born.
Jack, you are a treasure to us. You are a symbol of relationship with Him and the beauty that enfolds in life as a result of it. We pray, above all, that you will be a man after His own heart. There is no greater purpose in life, it is worth living when you know your maker.
Love, Mommy and Daddy
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